Dumbassery Terrorism

40 Sheriffs Tell the White House They’re Afraid of Terrorist Special Forces

JM Ashby
Written by JM Ashby

A group of 40 sheriffs in Colorado have signed a letter addressed to the White House asking the Obama administration not to transfer Guantanamo detainees to maximum security prisons in the state.

They claim the state's prisons are capable housing the detainees, but they're afraid the non-existent terrorist version of SEAL Team 6 will infiltrate the area and break them out of prison.

Although the prisons are capable of securing the detainees, the action would attract "sympathizers who would mount an attack ... or commit other acts of terror," the lawmen wrote.

"We believe it would be dangerously naive not to recognize that a civilian prison with an untold number of enemy combatant inmates, located in our state, would provide a very tempting target for anyone wishing to either free these detainees or simply wishing to make a political statement," the sheriffs wrote.

On one hand I hesitate to openly mock such a large group of sheriffs but, on the other hand, are you fucking kidding me?

I suppose this would make more sense if you were unaware that the overwhelming majority of detainees housed at Guantanamo are not masterminds and are, in fact, low level figures who haven't even been officially charged with crimes. They're hardly worth the effort required to launch some kind of action movie assault, or whatever these sheriffs imagine, on a maximum security prison in Colorado.

I can hardly fathom how clueless one must be to see this as a serious threat; so serious that you'd write this embarrassing letter to the president that in so many words tells him the state of Colorado is policed by pants-shitting wackaloons who seemingly believe Homeland and 24 are a documentary series.

It's a cliche, but I'd say these sheriffs have seen too many movies.

These sheriffs are hardly alone in their feelings and fears. A group of Republicans in Kansas asked the Obama administration not to transfer detainees to their state because the terrorist special forces might covertly travel underwater to free them.

“Fort Leavenworth is neither the ideal nor right location for moving Guantánamo detainees,” [Senator Pat Roberts ] wrote to Defense Secretary Ashton B. Carter. “The installation lies right on the Missouri River, providing terrorists with the possibility of covert travel underwater and attempting access to the detention facility.”

  • GrafZeppelin127

    It’s a shame conservatives hate Hollywood so much. They could make a fortune turning their fan fiction into Bond movies.

  • Nefercat

    Wait. What’s the problem? I thought any good, god-fearin’, rill “murkin with a gun and badge! even better! could stop a bad guy. Or even lots of bad guys.

  • Nefercat

    Republicans are such frightened, sniveling, cowardly, pants-wetting babies about everything. They should switch the party symbol from an embarrassed elephant to Chicken Little.

  • Christopher Foxx

    The most generous interpretation of what the sheriffs are doing is saying “I can’t do my job, so please don’t make me do it.”

    Of course the real thing they’re saying is “Screw integrity and our duty to the public, we’re cowards, fear mongers and opposed to anything Obama wants to do just because.”

  • muselet

    Cowards.

    –alopecia

  • Victor the Crab

    If anything, I think they’ve read too many comic books.

    • Nefercat

      They can read?

      • Victor the Crab

        They like them pictures.

  • Georgie

    Perfect reaction gif, lol