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December 29, 2007
Myerstown Herald, Vol. V, No. XXXVIII
For those of you new to the site, there's an actual weekly newspaper here in eastern Pennsylvania called The Myerstown Herald. I've started a mini-feud with the publisher. But that's not the fun part. The newspaper has the most hilariously ridiculous headlines ever.
First, this week's issue features the Myerstown Herald Person of the Year! (pdf)
"Person of the Year: Big Bill! O'Reilly Fights For Traditional Values, Fairness"
Other headlines this week:
Police: Man Hits Mom In Head
Knuckleheads Steal iPhone From Vehicle
Vehicle Goes Down Small Embankment
Pathetic Punks Pilfer Package From Porch
Creeps Take Copper Tubing
Fools Take Phone From Lunchbox
Bozos Use Blunt Object To Damage Mirror
It's not a joke.
02:30 PM | Comments (4) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Romney's Twisted America
Mitt Romney (via Sullivan):
"Our most basic civil liberty is the right to be kept alive."
In other words, "You have no civil liberties if you are dead." In other words, screw the Constitution -- the scary evildoers are going to kill us!
This is the chief rationale behind the Bush Republican war on the Constitution, and possibly the most dangerous attitude in American politics since McCarthyism and the Alien & Sedition Acts.
12:54 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Fetch... The Comfy Chair!
This is a joke, isn't it? Please say yes.
The Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to tackle the rise of Satanism. Vatican chiefs are concerned at what they see as an increased interest in the occult. They have introduced courses for priests to combat what they call the most extreme form of "Godlessness."
Hide your Norwegian Death Metal albums and watch this:
The Vatican is denying it.
12:26 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Ron Paul: Banana Theorist
Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron have a new ally: Happy Awesome Ron Paul!
Cliff Schecter has the videotape.
09:50 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Experience Schmerience
I agree with Atrios:
Adding that I think the whole "experience" debate is a stupid one. There is no job like the presidency, and candidates should be mostly evaluated on what they say they'll do. That isn't to say that there is no information about a candidate that can be derived from their past experiences, just that "experience" doesn't really convey much information. I personally have no experience in government, but I'd surely have been a better president than George Bush! Still his "governor of Texas" resume would've trumped my "no experience in government at all" resume in the experience wars.
I've said since the beginning that even a child would've reacted and responded to 9/11 the way President Bush did. And that's been his biggest so-called "accomplishment" according to the very serious media.
09:29 AM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Goddamn awesome comedy of 2007: The Simpsons Movie.
09:23 AM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 28, 2007
The New York Times Hires Total Fuck-Up
Bill Kristol?
I know dozens of writers who are qualified to write opinion essays for the New York Times. But, alas, I guess they haven't publicly promoted/masterminded an illegal invasion of another country which subsequently accumulated 32,000 American casualties, scores of dead civilians, and a sectarian civil war without any end in sight.
Tell me one thing that Bill Kristol got right about the war, and I'll take back all the flagrantly ad hominem shit I've said about him privately -- like all the times I called him a disingenuous medieval eunuch, or a pasty muppet, or a smug fuckwit, or a hackish grinning Shmoo. I'll take all of it back.
09:05 PM | Comments (3) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Fighting Them Over There
John at AMERICAblog:
A new intercept purportedly shows Al Qaeda admitting they were behind Bhutto's killing. If this is true, and let's face it, I wouldn't put it past the Pakistani government to start pointing fingers elsewhere, then Bush needs to explain to the American people why he's been ignoring Al Qaeda since 2003.
After all, it's no coincidence that there haven't been any attacks since 9/11 -- wait, what the fuck? Even the far-right freakdogs admit (accidentally) that there have been thousands of attacks since 9/11.
President Bush is a criminal and a failure. Especially on this front.
06:46 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
"I Stole Jesus"
Someone stole the Baby Jesus from a nativity scene -- but this time, Jesus was packing a GPS device.
Police subsequently arrested Danielle Santino, 18, of Lake Worth, Fla. and charged her with grand theft. She was still in jail late Thursday."I stole Jesus," she told police, according to the newspaper.
Baby Jesus told police, "The goddamn GPS thing kept saying, 'Left turn in... one... point three... miles -- BING! You have arrived!' I wanted to fucking crush it with all the power of God."
04:25 PM | Comments (3) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Let's Go Shopping
Steven Weber:
Assassinations, beheadings and torture are once again familiar rituals and routinely used terms in our modern, evolved, supposedly enlightened culture. Prevailing attitudes condone malevolence, selfishness, division, lethargy, cluelessness and violence as long as there is a profitable exchange at the end and all in the name of god and country. The static is virtually everywhere, the toxins leeching into our thirsty bodies from the air, the water, the food, the fabrics, the media are unchecked, their warnings go unheeded.
More at the Huffington Post.
04:14 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Fight!
Manger-ality! Baby Jesus wins. Flawless victory.
Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity as long-standing rivalries erupted in violence during holiday cleaning on Thursday.The clean-up turned ugly after some of the Orthodox faithful stepped inside the Armenian church's section.
The basilica, built over the grotto in Bethlehem where Christians believe Jesus was born, is administered jointly by Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic authorities.
Exclusive video of the fracas.
10:54 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Bhutto Buried Today
Is this unusual to bury someone so quickly? I'm not expecting a James Brown style tour, but are Pakistanis usually buried within 24 hours of dying?
And another thing... who killed her?
UPDATE: I'm told that the fast burial is customary.
10:29 AM | Comments (4) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Goddamn awesome movie of 2007: No Country for Old Men, written and directed by the Coen Brothers based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy.
(3:10 To Yuma was also great and I haven't seen There Will Be Blood yet.)
09:56 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 27, 2007
Happy Hour Awesome
Lewis Black on The Bush War Smirk:
"As I listened to him, I realized that one of us... was nuts."
04:21 PM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Quiet Victory For The Democrats, America
I've been rough on the Democrats this year. But these quiet victories make me smile:
A nine-second session gaveled in and out by Sen. Jim Webb, D-Va., prevented Bush from appointing as an assistant attorney general a nominee roundly rejected by majority Democrats. Without the pro forma session, the Senate would be technically adjourned, allowing the president to install officials without Senate confirmation. […]Democrats wanted to block one such recess appointment in particular: Steven Bradbury, acting chief of the Justice Department’s Office of Legislative Counsel. Bush nominated Bradbury for the job and asked the Senate to remove the “acting” in his title.
Bradbury, as it turns out, supports the administration's Gestapo torture "enhanced interrogation" techniques. In fact, his signature is on two memos from '05 in which he endorsed torture.
10:10 AM | Comments (4) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Benazir Bhutto Assassinated
RAWALPINDI, Pakistan — Pakistan opposition leader Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday in a suicide attack that also killed at least 20 others at a campaign rally, aides said.The death of the 54-year-old charismatic former prime minister threw the campaign for the Jan. 8 parliamentary elections into chaos and created fears of mass protests and violence across the nuclear-armed nation, an important U.S. ally in the war on terrorism.
The attacker struck just minutes after Bhutto addressed thousands of supporters in the garrison city of Rawalpindi, 8 miles south of Islamabad. She was shot in the neck and chest by the attacker, who then blew himself up, said Rehman Malik, Bhutto's security adviser.
At least 20 others were killed in the attack.
09:59 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Goddamn awesome new TV series of 2007. AMC's Mad Men. Scene from episode 13, "The Wheel".
09:43 AM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
The Most Awful Smirks of 2007
I have a year-end Huffington Post item up tonight. It documents the most inappropriate President Bush War Smirks of 2007.
Goddamn he's a tool.
01:12 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 26, 2007
Yoda Is The Reason For The Season
Michelle Malkin reminds us of the reason for the season. She also reminds us what it's like to have that acidic pukey taste in our mouths:
Nothing says "baby Jesus is the reason for the season" like a pagan tree decorated with Yoda and Pikachu ornaments.
Yoda is pretty close to the baby Jesus, though. He's small, he has magical powers and he wears swaddling clothes.
02:20 PM | Comments (9) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Exclusive: Bloomberg Won't Run Against Obama
Remember that breakfast meeting between Senator Obama and Mayor Bloomberg last month? There could be more to this story than a (possible) discussion about an endorsement.
Earlier this week, I received a tip from a reader who was told an "open secret" by a close and credible friend of Mike Bloomberg that the New York mayor is ready to announce his independent run for president as early as this February.
However, Mayor Bloomberg will only run for president... if Senator Clinton wins big in the January and February primaries. But if it looks like Senator Obama will win the nomination, the mayor won't run -- clearing the way for an unfettered Obama campaign in the general.
The tipster told me that his Bloomberg source said, "[Bloomberg] has a personal compunction about running against the first black presidential candidate. However, he has less than no love for Hillary or some of her close associates, and feels he would be well-positioned in a three-way race against her and any Republican. This is quite definite."
Take this second-hand information for what it's worth. It's a rumor. But I think it's a very plausible rumor.
11:23 AM | Comments (2) | Posted By Bob Cesca
The Surge Worked
Look how peaceful Christmas was in Iraq:
Bob Strong / Reuters
BAGHDAD — At least 25 people were killed when a suicide bomber rammed his truck into a line of Iraqis waiting for cooking gas near a checkpoint outside the Baiji oil refinery in northern Iraq, the police said Tuesday.
Elsewhere:
Two hours later, nine people were killed and 22 wounded by a suicide bomber in Mualmeen, west of Baquba, the capital of Diyala Province, Iraqi hospital officials said. But the American military in Tikrit said that four people were killed and 19 were wounded.
I thought the war was over.
09:06 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Goddamn awesome sports moment of 2007. Fabian Cancellara beats the sprinters to win Stage 3 of the Tour de France.
08:41 AM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 25, 2007
Christmas Awesome
08:52 AM | Comments (4) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 24, 2007
Wow, The Wall Street Journal Is Crazy
The first celebrity comment troll. Like all attention-starved fucking assholes in America, the trolls need more attention. Thanks, Wall Street Journal.
The Punch-Me Face of 2007
11:09 AM | Comments (5) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Torture And The Holidays
I found myself debating torture with some more conservative family members yesterday. I say again, it's a terrible day when Americans are debating whether our government should use waterboarding as a policy. But if you find yourself having this debate, the following lines worked nicely.
__We spend half-a-trillion dollars a year on the American military, and upwards of $50 billion on intelligence. If our safety comes down to a jug of water, a rag and a wooden plank, I want my money back. (You can also say "goddamn money back" if the company is cool with the language.)
__Waterboarding has been used by the Gestapo, Burma, the North Vietnamese, and the Spanish Inquisition. Do you really want the United States of America added to that list?
Other forms of painfully severe holiday torture like the TBS A Christmas Story marathon -- I can't help you with that.
09:21 AM | Comments (2) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Christmas at the Zoo
08:57 AM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
December 23, 2007
Christmas Eve Eve Awesome
And now... an awesome holiday performance by the one and only TRex!
09:29 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Bill Kristol Predicts Shit
My first reaction was: Bill Kristol should be banned from predicting anything ever again.
09:25 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Malkin Isn't the Only Stalker On The Right
Rachel Marsden is... RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
You may remember the piece I wrote about this stalker Babe: “Cafferty debates with a Man-Stalker named Rachel Mardsen: “waterboarding is a swim lesson” The ex-FOXer who was escorted off their premises is at it again, or so it would seem. And it looks like Sarkozy might be her next target:A right-wing former Fox TV pundit is being investigated for criminal harassment after accusing an ex-boyfriend of leaking Canadian anti-terrorism secrets. I don’t know why he (gave me the documents),” she said yesterday in an email response to an interview request, “other than perhaps he was too cheap to buy me jewelry and figured state secrets would be a good substitute.” She denied harassing the officer.
09:21 PM | Comments (0) | Posted By Bob Cesca
Morning Awesome
Steve Martin's Christmas Wish.
08:26 AM | Comments (1) | Posted By Bob Cesca
