Long camera pan over bags of corn chips, emptied bottles of Dr. Pepper and tattered Whitman's Sampler boxes.

Now this honorable man -- who as able to endure unspeakable "torture" in the name of his country -- found himself unable to bear the crueller slings and arrows ..." Cue ominous thunder-and-lightning effect, discordant violins "...of his marital vows."

Overly dramatic zoom into marriage license dripping with CGI blood.

"By 1979, John McCain was despairing of his career. The Navy would no longer allow him to crash its expensive airplanes, and his car-accident-battered wife -- now unpatriotically short and dumpy, and possibly a Communist -- could do little to further his political aspirations. If he was going to abandon his father's nepotism for a life in politics, he would need a new patron, preferably with an unbelievably hot and leggy blond daughter with shitloads of cash."

Zoom-in on Reenactment Actor playing McCain, his face buried in his hands as he sobs for his lost youth and pathetic 894 of 899 Class Ranking, a shameful fact that eventually killed his father.

And that's exactly what he found in 25 year-old Cindy Lou Hensley, 17 years his junior and more than willing to salute The Little Admiral. With her whore's mouth.

Cue swelling FROM HERE TO ETERNITY-style beach music as camera pans up the bronzed and bikini-clad body of a stunningly gorgeous supermodel with Beer Cash overflowing from her sun-gilded vagina.

And because it would look cruel and callous to officially divorce his battered and emotionally bereft wife Carol, he did the honorable thing, the courageous thing, the True American Hero Thing: He cheated on that bitch.

Part I fades out to the Sousatastic tones of Heroic Patriotism Music played by the Crippled Boy Scouts American Veterans of Horrible Unjust Wars Band.