I KNEW it! Looks like grandma owes me another 50 bucks...

That wasn't in the form of a question, Mr. The JimmyJames, so I'm afraid you are no longer eligible to play.

Will George W. Bush write a book and will he sell as well as the great Ann Coulter?

I'll take my answer off the air.

Dear Insufferably Patronizing Answer Apparatus: Why was the nation's capital moved from the Philadelphia to a Maryland swamp?

Love, The Nano

Excellent question, CG, and The Apparatus™ has a copy of that book right here on its desk, as Bush completed his presidential memoir on September 12, 2001, when his approval ratings were somewhere in the insanely optimistic 90s. Entitled I Am A Superhero And Everyone Loves Me, I Couldn’t Possibly Fuck This Up, it is a teary-eyed retrospective of the few hours between hiding like a chickenshit aboard Air Force One and guzzling a quart of Old Grandad whiskey on the evening of 9/11 which helped to “make the scaries go away.” It will undoubtedly sell as many copies as Ann Coulter’s books, provided the American Enterprise Institute buys up 250,000 copies the way they do Ann’s fucking trash.

Dear IPAA,

Are Joe Biden's teeth made out of wood? How about his hair plugs? And while I'm thinking about it, why do landscaping companies rake up leaves and then lay down pine needles? Aren't they essentially the same thing?

Nano - Because Ben Franklin had already fucked everything alive in Philadelphia and needed a fresh start. AHAHAHAHAHA! I kid Ben, but Jesus that guy was randy. A hundred and thirty years old and he was still banging French whores (which is redundant; KA-POW! I’ve still got it, etc.)

But Seriously. That Federalist Busybody James Madison, whose wife would later rescue a portrait of George Washington from British clutches by inserting it lengthwise in her copious bosom, demanded in one of his utterly tiresome letters to the editors of Ye Olde Playboy magazine that the nation’s capital should be separate and distinct from the states it governed in case said states decided to go apeshit one day and start shooting each other in the spleen with muskets. Thomas Jefferson, just to be a dick, argued that Madison was “a right foppish old assbag” and I think there may have been a duel or something in there. Aaron Burr, Compromise of 1790, blah blah blah.

Jane - The Apparatus™ does the humor around here, please keep the Gallagheresque wit to yourself.

And no, Joe Biden's teeth are not made of wood. They're made of toilet seat covers.

why do people have eyebrows?

Ceu, if that was a political question I'd answer it, but you've broken the rules and so you're disqualified. You could have framed it as a political question like this:

Ex-presidential candidate Michael "The Eyebrow" Dukakis seemed to be made entirely of Eyebrow Material. Is this why he lost his bid for the Presidency? And The Apparatus™ then would have replied, "Yes."

Why people have eyebrows depends on your personal worldview. If you're a Fucking Moron and believe that The God created Life, the Universe and Everything in 6 days and then took a nap, the answer is, "Because The God thought we looked ridiculous without them."

If you have a brain in your skull and believe that the human body is a work-in-progress that started some 3.5 billion years ago, the answer is, "How the fuck should I know, ask Richard Dawkins."

I humbly apologize. I got as far as "all your super-fantastic but ultimately sophomoric questions" and thought - Aha! Someone will finally answer this nagging question for me. I will try to read posts to the end in the future.

That doesn't qualify as a question and so is considered "mindless chatter." You're disqualified again.

Dear IPAA,

Why do we still have an electoral college? And why can't we just vote on our computers?

Dear IPAA,
Why do you have such an enormous melon? Is it because of all the knowledge therein?
Sincerely,
Frozen Gonads of the North

Will George Bush retire to Crawford, Texas after January 20th and start a conservative think tank?

Oh Grand Wizard....I mean ATIPA2:

What are the chances Joe the Plumber gets the shit kicked out of him in Gaza?

We still have an Electoral College because we haven't had a president since 1787 that understood it enough to see it disbanded. The closest we've come was during Teddy Roosevelt's run for reelection in 1904, when he sat outside the College with an Elephant Gun and shot Alton B. Parker electors until he had sewn up his 336-140 ass-kicking.

Who says we can't vote on our computers? I cast something like 60,000 votes for President-Elect Obama at www.acorn.com/theDePalinator900, huzzah!

in connection with above "we are work-in-progress"

is it possible that we have reached our evolution peak and are in fact in rewind evolving into large dinosaurs?

wait only political...

is it possible that republicans have reached their evolution peak and are in fact in rewind evolving into large dinosaurs?

Dear IPAA,

What happens if we didn't attend electoral college? Are we more stupid than those who don't phrase their entry as a question?

Dear Packy - Yes.

why wasn't Packy disqualified??

"...Awesome Blog readers of ours that are much, much less intelligent than I am. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, of course; you're all much less smart than me."

These sentences were fun. I was correcting your grammar as I read them.

"'who'...'than I'...'than I'"

...But I'm an asshole.

Dear CycloCynic - Soon-to-be Historically Vindicated Ex-President George W. Bush plans to retire to Dallas, Texas, and live in a gated community that doesn't allow black people unless they used to play cornerback for the Cowboys. His idea of a "Think Tank" is when Laura lets him play with his Thomas the Tank Engine toys in the bathtub.

Dear IPAA,

What's the real story behind Ann Coulter's jaw?

Dear ATIPA2:

Why don't we just vote at our ATMs......they give receipts (which would have been pretty handy in 2000 & 2004)? Or maybe at the liquor store......

MG - That's correct, you are.

LameDuck - Your ATM still has money in it? Mine just gives out 2-for-1 Kool-Aid coupons to the Piggly-Wiggly.

*OOPS, MG's doing grammar--make that "who didn't phrase their entry..."

Dear IPAA,

When will Rahm Emanuel kick the shit out of Harry Reid? And will it be shown on pay-per-view?

Sincerely,
The I Heart Rahm Fan Club Vice-President

Dear Mr. The GItheJoe: Hopefully pretty good. If there was ever a sign that the Multicranial Dragon-Angel with the Seals and the Bowls and the Celestial Whatnot is about to open its giant can of Revelatory Whoop-Ass on The Mankind, it is Joe the Plumber's arrival in Gaza as a news correspondent. Expect sword-belching mythical creatures and various flaming chariots and Jew-killing Seraphim shortly.

Dear Kat - Emanuel v Reid, the Rahmble in the Jungle, will indeed be televised on Pay-Per-View and also on C-SPAN2. It won't be worth the money, however, as we hear Reid packs a mean roundhouse kick and has a special spiked loafer with the name of Rahm's nutsack written all over it. Put your money on Reid, he's a scrapper.

Cyclo - Ann Coulter's curious jug-jaw is a direct result of more than 30 years' worth of involuntary gag reflexing caused by the revulsion she experiences when she's forced to handle her own penis for urinary purposes. Ms. Coulter loathes her own genitalia and takes this irrational hatred of her abnormally massive junk out on Democrats, poor people, The Gay, John Edwards and Jews. Also Unitarians.

@ Gyp's "is it possible that republicans have reached their evolution peak and are in fact in rewind evolving into large dinosaurs?"

Yes.

Adding: Except that the average Republican doesn't believe in dinosaurs, so that makes their de-evolution rather awkward. Also ironic.

Adding II, The Sequel: The average Republican also doesn't believe in irony.

IPAA,

When I win the 2016 election as the first Independent President, and the two political parties decide they want to lynch me, how long will it take for them to hang themselves with the rope I give them?

P3 - Your question has been forwarded to The National Security Agency™ ("We Listen Because We Care. Also Because Your Dirty Talking Gets Us Off.") for review and analysis, as the IPAA cannot be responsible for any communication on the interwebs or blogotubes containing the word "lynch."

Also, you exude some sort of strange over-confidence and cockiness that annoys The Apparatus™ . You're disqualified. Enjoy the cattle prod the NSA inserts in you rectally!

Dear IPAA,

Was Abraham Lincoln really gay?

ceu: coming to this late, sorry, but humans developed eyebrows to keep rain and debris out of their eyes and thus prevent eye infections and damage. same reason we have eyelashes.
(IPAA, I hope it doesn't piss you off that I answered.)
IPAA: Does this make me Richard Dawkins?

Cyclo - As a Herbert Hoover 3-dollar bill. Have you ever seen a straight man in a stovepipe hat, for Christ's sake?

IPAA,

It's not overconfidence when it's rightly placed. also, too, tell the NSA to make that rectal probe position flexible. Finally...

You are too easily irritated. You need to learn to relax.

Dear Bob,

I think you need to hit the reset button on the IPAA. The fucking thing thinks Reid could take out Rahm. And that Reid wears loafers. We all know he wears Easy Spirit pumps.

Kat

What part of "Insufferably Patronizing" don't you understand, P?

IPAA,

the part that wasn't typed.

Kat, direct conversation with "Bob" is absolutely forbidden under Section C, Subsection III, Paragraph a), Stroke Eleven of the IPA2 Charter and Bylaws. Please discontinue forthwith or risk immediate banishment. I can filter you into oblivion, don't think I can't.

Put your money on Reid. Going to be a bloodbath.

Dear IPAA,

Will Roland Burris now add some more credits on his mausoleum wall?

Dear IPAA,

What happened when Richard Dawkins and Stephen Hawking met the Pope at the British evolution conference last October?

...falling in love again...never wanted to...what am I to do...cannnnnnt help it....Good to see you again Elvis :)

Dear IPAA,

When oh when will Al Franken finally be declared the winnah??!!

Dear ATIPA2,

Why does Bush have to give a farewell address in prime time on all the major networks? Can't he just call all his supporters and address them personally? That should take less than 15 minutes for the total number of calls.........

Damn I'm glad to see you back!

Time to check out Clusterdouche I reckon!

Dear IPAA. Do you think that George Bush and Cheny
will be impeached and/or charged with anything once
they have left office? Or will the weiney dems cave again.

Also, if 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, why do they have locks on the door?
This qualifies as a political question since 7-11
was selling obama and McCain cups before the election as a means to gauge support.
For the record Obama won the 7 election in a landslide.

Dear IPAA,

When George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove arrive in The Hell, what form will their respective punishments take?

PS: Please answer quickly, as previous answers have generated The Hysterics, and The Husband preparing to remove my uterus.

"is preparing"

Dear IPAA,
Is your short attention span a symptom of our political times?

Dear Packy,
Can you repeat the question?

Dear Elvis the Dingledein:

Is it true that Harry Reid is from a planet of beings that do not belong to phylum chordata, and that he maintains a saline tank in his office closet where he can unwind into his natural jellyfish-shape?

@ Packy's "Will Roland Burris now add some more credits on his mausoleum wall?"

Nothing new since "Donkeypunched Harry Reid In His Spine, Which Nancy Pelosi's Keeps In Her Purse".

@ Midad's "When oh when will Al Franken finally be declared the winnah??!!"

Franken is threatening to release this photo of opponent Norm Coleman if he doesn't concede the race and also pay Al $250,000 in Asshole Taxes. Should be soon.

Adding: No one that looked like that as a teenager should be a Republican today. You could probably distill bong resin from that guy's ball sweat. Now he's Mr. Family Values. My ass.

@ LameDuck's "Why does Bush have to give a farewell address in prime time on all the major networks?"

The joke's on him, actually: on FOX his address will air during ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A THIRD GRADER; on ABC he'll turn up on LOST; CBS is going to cram him into WITHOUT A TRACE; and NBC will air his address during a special Bush-only edition of THE BIGGEST LOSER.

@ Cyclo's "When George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove arrive in The Hell, what form will their respective punishments take?"

Rove has been in touch with Lee Atwater and thus secured the three of them surprisingly pleasant accommodations in The Hell™: Cheney will replace Pol Pot as CEO of Soul-Crushing and Gonad Stomping; Bush looks forward to replacing Josef "Uncle Joe" Stalin in the Department of Sticking Jews on Pointy Spikes; and Rove himself has lined up Atwater's job in The Hell™'s Political Liaison Office.

@ Packy's "Is your short attention span a symptom of our political times?"

Who did the what now?

@ Myhero's "Do you think that George Bush and Cheny [sic] will be impeached and/or charged with anything once they have left office?"

At this point Congress seems to be slightly more befuddled than the Galactic Senate during whatever the fuck Darth Douchebag was up to that started The Clone Wars. I've seen those movies half a dozen times (because I have nephews, so suck it!) and you could hold a gun to my head, I couldn't tell you why the Clone Wars were necessary or who was fighting whom for what reason. Sort of like Iraq. Darth Douchemouth eventually gets flushed down a power shaft in Death Star Part II: Hey Let's Build a BIGGER Trench This Time, That Should Work Just Fine, so maybe Cheney will get his. Bush should just go fuck off.

@ Mr The Matt Osborne's "Is it true that Harry Reid is from a planet of beings that do not belong to phylum chordata, and that he maintains a saline tank in his office closet where he can unwind into his natural jellyfish-shape?"

Yes.

Dear IPAA - do you think the Bush Liberry will ever be built and if so which books do you think will be on display there?

Dear IPAA,

If Jabez Stone* were tried today, with Chief Justice John Roberts presiding, what would happen?

*Last seen in The Devil and Daniel Webster.

IPAA:
What is on Rod Blowjobovich's forehead?

@ Cminri's "do you think the Bush Liberry will ever be built and if so which books do you think will be on display there?"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "Bush Library," that's hysterical! That's the ultimate oxymoron.

Personally, I'd like to see an enormous glass display case in which sits the copy of MY PET GOAT that George was too busy reading to get off his fucking ass and act Presidential while The 9/11™ kicked in. That'd be a good book for his "library." Maybe whichever Dr Seuss books informed his Foreign Policy; the DICK AND JANE readers he used to prep for speaking appearances; WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE to teach him about the Middle East; maybe the dog-eared copy of GOODNIGHT MOON George learned himself up on astronomy with. Good choices all!

@ Cyclo's "If Jabez Stone were tried today, with Chief Justice John Roberts presiding, what would happen?"

The Devil would be wearing a lovely Jabez Stone-shaped cape and matching Jabez Stone-colored boots. And using Jabez Stone-scented suppositories.

Dear Senor Dingeldein,

What will it take to make Ann Coulter go away?

Dear All-Knowing Patronizer,
I read that Obama was dining with conservative pundi-sluts, Bill Kristol, Chas Kraut-something-hammer at Geo Will's palatial BBQ Hut.
Question: What was served for dessert?

Dear All-Knowing Patronizer,
I read that Obama was dining with conservative pundi-sluts, Bill Kristol, Chas Kraut-something-hammer at Geo Will's palatial BBQ Hut.
Question: What was served for dessert?