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April 28, 2009
BLACKJACK, POW!
By GDAB Chief Statistical Analysis Person Elvis Dingeldein.
A new Washington Post/ABC News poll puts the number of Political Peoples identifying themselves as “Republicans” at a staggeringly low 21%, because, you know, where ya gonna go when you love war, fear brown people and likee The Tortures™? So I thought it’d be fun to use The Googles™ to see what sort of company the GOP now finds itself in, and what they may have in common.
21% of Women Tested Nationwide Have Mercury Levels Higher Than EPA Limit. This is excellent company for the GOP, as the 126 women found loaded with mercury were almost certainly Science-Fearing Carbon Dioxide Inhalers that still apply generous amounts of raw mercury to the bags under their eyes because The Baby Jesus™ told them it would make them look younger. It also repels Jews.
Ratings for country awards show up 21 percent. This one’s something of a no-brainer. As the GOP's base entrenches itself in the Appalachian Hooch Hollers and Texas Wingnut Militia Bunkers it only stands to reason that they’ll get better aggregate reception on their tinfoil hats and thus be tuning in to any show featuring Rednecks crooning to their pickup trucks and hunting rifles while waving an American Flag outfitted with twin beer dispensers.
Asian cellular subscriber growth drops 21 percent. Stands to reason that fewer Republicans means less demand for The Hot Asian Phonesexes and calls to Mainland China looking for inexpensive garden boys and/or baby toys made of lead-soaked uranium chips.
21 percent of autopsies for New Yorkers killed in bicycle accidents detected alcohol in the biker's body. Being a Republican in the Age of Obama is kind of like riding a bicycle through Manhattan while drunk: You have no idea where you’re going, you tend to get passed at high speeds, and when you fall down you say unintelligible things and blame brown people. And then you get hit by a bus, huzzah!
Try it for yourself! Use The Googles™ to search for “21 percent” and find fun and humiliating ways that the modern GOP is like your favorite Slightly More Than One Fifth of Something!
Filed under: Elvis Dingeldein || Pollgasm || Republicans
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Posted By Elvis | April 28, 2009 5:24 PM
Comments
Totally hilarious Mr. The Dangeldeen!
Posted by: kansasdem at April 28, 2009 5:55 PM
I don't have to look it up to know that they are slightly more than one fifth full of shit.
Prediction: Soon they will be slightly less than one fifth as they asymptotically approach that magic 19%.
Posted by: ∇ Silly Ratfaced Git ∇ at April 28, 2009 6:00 PM
New Jersey emits 21% less toxic chemicals in the air in 2007... in direct proportion to the increase in toxic noises released into the air by Fox news in the same time period...
(OK, ok, maybe I should leave The Comedies™ to Mr. Dingeldein!)
QT
Posted by: QueenTiye at April 28, 2009 6:06 PM
Home sales in the Twin Cities are up by 21% from this time last year. They're localizing so they can show Franken what-for. In 2014.
Posted by: Tusz at April 28, 2009 6:12 PM
Corporate Banks expect 21% growth in FY2010
I find this relevant because at the end of the day the GOP is either going to be the party of Corporate America or the party of Jesus Loves America. My spider sense tells me that money will trump Jesus. Wait a fucking minute...."In GOD we trust"? Jesus is money?
*burns wallet*
*immediately removes flaming pants*
I'M OK!!!!
Posted by: GItheJOE at April 28, 2009 6:12 PM
The poll in its entirety is worth a read, there are some interesting -- and surprising -- numbers in there.
I suppose it's not too shocking that Republicans have lost the entire 8-point margin -- from April 2008's 29% to April 09's 21 -- to the Independent Column, while Democrats pick up exactly ZERO new members (though the Lean Democrat colum picks up 3 while Lean GOP loses the same number; good sign), but I am surprised by the poll's numbers on Liberal/Moderate/Conservative:
Liberal: 23
Moderate: 39
Conservative: 35
The Conservative column holds tight from this time last year, but Liberal loses one point this year which ends up in the Moderate column. Surprising.
So for those of us that don't feel like we're getting our Progressive On with this president, I suppose these numbers should be studied, and respected.
Posted by: Elvis the Dingeldein at April 28, 2009 6:13 PM
College Saving Plans dropped 21%
"Burn the books!!", They say. This should help Jesus Loving Mommy and Daddy with an excuse not to send their children to pussy ass liberal institutions of higher education. Thus, biologically growing the GOP base.
Posted by: GItheJOE at April 28, 2009 6:15 PM
Huzzah, Elvis, you've added a whole new dimension to the erroneous and pervasive correlation equals causation error of which our media is so fond.
Thanks to you, we now have a whole new type of erroneous reasoning:
similar percentages of anything = correlation = causation.
As the Baby Jesus is included in your research, I hereby award you an honorary Templeton Prize. Congratulations.
Posted by: CycloCynic at April 28, 2009 6:43 PM
>>>Appalachian Hooch Hollers
how did i not coin this phrase seeing as i am a hooch from an appalachian holler?! hahaha...
Posted by: gypsy at April 28, 2009 6:46 PM
Is Fineman's hair yellow now, or is my TV messing up?
Posted by: idreamofskiba at April 28, 2009 7:15 PM
Ha, wrong thread.
Posted by: idreamofskiba at April 28, 2009 7:15 PM
21% of people commenting on "the wrong thread" have elevated blood alcohol levels.
Posted by: CycloCynic at April 28, 2009 8:05 PM
Elvis - Re: the lib/mod/con poll, I think it's just because more liberals are willing to consider themselves moderates than conservatives are.
As in, if you think before you speak, you could probably feel comfortable calling yourself either a liberal or a moderate, but goldurn it, yer a conservative, not some tree-lovin' moderate!
On the issues, I bet most of those moderates skew liberal, is what I'm saying.
Posted by: MZ at April 28, 2009 8:46 PM
MZ - I think that depends on what you mean by "skew liberal." By modern definitions, I apparently "skew liberal." I've defined myself as "conservative" for a while now. I am only going along with Obama's spending plans because I believe in upfront investment for future returns - not because I agree with wide expansion of government or tax and spend plans. There's a paradigm shift leftward on some issues - including health care, and energy issues, but once the framework for health care and energy is adjusted, a lot of people, likely including myself, will want to lean more toward conservatism. The progressive perpetuity - isn't going to hold, in my opinion.
And, I think a lot of people are more comfortable calling themselves moderate than conservative or liberal - I've never once heard of a tree-hugging moderate...
QT
Posted by: QueenTiye at April 28, 2009 9:12 PM
haf 2 b purdy fer jayzuz!
Posted by: jonah at April 28, 2009 11:57 PM
Conservatives call themselves such because their wills are too weak for sustained upheaval. I however, have got the good bits to fight for what I believe in, whether I'm winning or not.
Posted by: Theghostsong at April 29, 2009 7:47 AM
