See, the Sarah Palin of Going Rogue would have us believe she can quote French philosophe Blaise Pascal (p. 22) and Greek toga-model Plato (p. 24) as effortlessly as she can wax sentimental over baleen etching and fireweed, whatever the fuck those things are, even though Candidate Palin couldn’t recall any particular periodical she kept on hand to hone those philosophizing skills.

The Sarah Palin of Going Rogue loves the word “independent” (wink-wink!) and warns against the evils of Big Government while gushing over how patriotic she felt when, as a kindergartener, she watched with “overwhelming pride in our country” as an American landed on the moon. Ground Control To Major Palin: NASA is a government agency, you dolt. A very expensive government agency.

The Sarah Palin of Going Rogue can’t understand why anti-hunting activists hound her so, while saying things like “I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals—right next to the mashed potatoes.” HAHAHA! Take that, ridiculous animal rights activists! Shooting caribou in the asshole from a helicopter is fun and delicious, huzzah!

The Sarah Palin of Going Rogue would have you believe she grew up at the public library, buried in books and with a profound love of reading and writing, then caps a long and tedious Sports Analogy Section by gosh-darning, “Everything I ever needed to know, I learned on the basketball court.” Actually, I suppose this explains quite a bit.

Chapter One wants to tell you how an independent, go-getting, and fiercely independent (also, independent) woman doesn’t need ridiculous fancy-pants Big Government Liberal Equality Programs like Title IX to succeed in the world, except when she benefits from them directly (“I’m a product of Title IX”). Confusing. And while I wanted to hear the Rocky Anthem pounding proudly behind her sporty tales of Pushing Through the Pain (“hard work and passion matter most of all”), I couldn’t help but cap every paragraph like this with a bewildered Yeah, but you quit, Quitter. When the Going Got Tough, the Gov Got Lost. So please, Sarah, spare us the inspirational sports metaphors. Quitter.

Like everything else about its "author," Going Rogue points to the deep cognitive dissonance at work in Sarah Palin: She’s Jes’ Folks like you, a Real American, and yet the Alaska she describes page after page is a more alien country than we Dumbass Lower Forty-Eighters can possibly imagine. She’s so entirely divorced from the reality of the true diversity of American life that—in one of this chapter’s most distasteful passages—she heaps praise on her husband for his rugged poise and “steel core” in the face of shocking hardship as if we arugula-eating Latte Snobs can't imagine such things:

Todd witnessed things that many Americans never will. There are tough conditions in some villages, and the harsh circumstances lead some to abuse both alcohol and each other, and societal ills that include despondency and suicides. Todd saw it all. He also saw opportunities to react to circumstances in productive ways.

Yeah, Teh God™ knows many Americans will never witness—much less experience first-hand—the sort of tough conditions that drive some to alcohol or crimes of poverty and want. POOR TODD PALIN!! HOW DOES HE DO IT?! OH GOD™ WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF TODD PALIN!? HE’S WITNESSED HARSHNESS! AND REACTED TO IT!

Chapter One paints a confusing picture and is at constant war with itself ideologically, and just plain logically, but her fans won’t notice any of this. They’ll swoon to hear how little Piper is literally the Poster-Child for the local Right To Life campaign; they’ll crow over her selfless dedication to God and everything He’s done for her since she got into the tithing business; they’ll chuckle when she takes an ignorant dig at the ACLU, because they’ve been pre-programmed to howl at such careless demagoguery; they’ll nod knowingly when she confides that her second son was to be named “Tad” because that’s “a combination of Todd and Track.”

While the rest of us blink dumbly at the page and mutter, “What the fuck is she talking about?”

--

Redmond's Take: Sarah and her ghostwriter might as well have called this chapter "A Teabagger's Manifesto." Complete with jabs at N.O.W., the ACLU and those faggy liberals with their high-falutin' caviar (p. 48), "The Last Frontier" is loaded with folksy examples of government being "out of touch" with ordinary folks and wastes no time throwing the non-wingnut faction of the GOP under the bus (p. 3) along with the Left. Most of the chapter is spent buffeting the reader in the face with Sarah Palin going rogue to the extreme since her birth which, coincidentally, was almost accompanied by the Alaska Earthquake ala sweet Baby Jesus' crucifixion. Except, my bad, Sarah Palin doesn't believe in coincidences - ever (p. 44).

In the few instances when Sarah's not going rogue, the narrative quietly and conveniently shoots down criticisms lobbed at her during the 2008 campaign:

"Sarah Palin doesn't read." Eat a dick, I lived in a library.
"Sarah Palin had a six figure wardrobe." Bite me, I wear sweaters forged out of salmon.
"Sarah Palin went to five different colleges." Watch this: I'll only mention two. FACE!

Of course, the most revealing parts of this chapter are the hints of Prosperity Theology (a.k.a. Quid Pro Quo with God) peppered between sports stories so cliched they could make Kurt Warner become an atheist out of boredom:

Not only was doing those personally rewarding, but God continually proved His promises true, blessing our giving with giving of His own. (p. 23)

That is Sarah Palin's insanity boiled down to its very essence: She deserves things simply for being a good Christian. Whether it be reverence as a serious political figure, or her rightful place in the White House, it's all one big I.O.U. with the Lord that America will end up paying when she bombs Russia for not being outside her house. Assholes.

Tune in Tomorrow for Why Me Not President? : Chapter Two on BobCesca.com