REDMOND: FUCK MY EYES!!

ELVIS: FUCK MINE TOO!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

REDMOND: Goddamn that shit.

ELVIS: SOMEONE MAKE HER STOP HIRING GHOSTWRITERS TO MAKE WORD-BOOKS!

REDMOND: Just goddamn it to hell.

ELVIS: This thing is a non-stop Republican Dog-Whistle. TWEEEET! Vegans are stupid! TWEEEET! Servant's Hearts! TWEEEET! Something Grover Norquist Said!

REDMOND: With a nougaty center of Sarah Palin Knows Everything. "Why did God make animals out of meat if we weren't supposed to eat them?" SNORT!

ELVIS: GUFFAW! Pow, ZING!

REDMOND: HYUCK!

ELVIS: Ugh.

REDMOND: Okay, how do you want to do this thing?

ELVIS: I think we're already doing it.

REDMOND: HA! Works for me.

ELVIS: I say we start with "FUCK MY EYES!" And go from there, huzzah!

REDMOND: Redmond and Elvis Elevate Discourse

ELVIS: So, Mr. Redmond: Chapter Three. Your thoughts? If we have to get all William F Buckley on this bitch.

REDMOND: Considering it's freshly seared into my brain like a newly run Iditarod track in the frozen tundra of duct tapey Alaska.

ELVIS: Ha! Alaska Talk!

REDMOND: See what this shit is doing to me?

ELVIS: Here's my thoughts about Alaska, being an "Outsider" and all: IT BEARS ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Did you catch how all of Alaska, by its very Constitution, is a Communist state?

REDMOND: I did in fact notice that!

ELVIS: Apparently all its delicious Godly Oil and Jesus-Scented Resources belong to The Peoples.™

REDMOND: That Alaska is a separate nation in and of itself, according to the logic of Sarah Palin, Alaskanist.

ELVIS: That's just how Teh God™ made it. And yet the Subtitle to this book is...?

REDMOND: “An American Life”

ELVIS: Right. If by "American Life" you mean "You Know, America: Where You Can Sew A G-String From Squirrel Intestines and Feed Your Family From The Salmon-Packed Stream That Runs Through Your Shitter"

REDMOND: But, wait, fun fact time: Sarah Palin boasts that she never cries. BUT, dear readers, here's a special treat when she does: During the singing of The Star Spangled Banner. Or when troops get deployed. And seeing newborn babies. AWWW, how absolutely fucking convenient like every other sentence in this thing.

ELVIS: And when Baby Jesus stubs his toe on Bill Ayers.

REDMOND: I apologize for my boiling rage, folks. I literally just finished Chapter 3 moments ago.

ELVIS: Yeah, it'll do that to you.

REDMOND: And it BURNS.

ELVIS: We should mention Chapter Three is titled, "DRILL, BABY, DRILL."
Or, to paraphrase, "FIND ME A RESOURCE I CAN FUCK UP ITS RESOURCE HOLE!"
"AND THEN DISTRIBUTE TO EVERYONE, COMMUNIST-STYLE!"

REDMOND: Or more suitably "Sarah Palin Invented Everything Including Barack Obama"

ELVIS: Correct. She was Change Before Change Was Cool. Except for when she wasn't and such as.

REDMOND: Oh, that's right, folks. She takes credit for Barack Obama's message of change. Not even joking. I'm so livid that I'm about to drink one of my wife's Mango Smirnoff Ices seeing as my beer supply is tapped. Fortunately, this isn't too gay for Sarah Palin seeing as she allowed same-sex couples to receive benefits. (Until you duct tapers referendum that shit. *wink* You betcha. PRIVATE SECTOR!)

ELVIS: Page 114, folks:

"We were amused a couple of years later when Barack Obama--one of whose senior advisers (come to think of it) had roots in Alaska--adopted the ["change"] theme. Kris and I joked about it: "Hey! We were change when change wasn't cool!"

Amused, huzzah! PRIVATE SECTOR RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT INFRASTRUCTURE THOMAS PAINE TWEEEEET!!!

REDMOND: Ah, that's delicious delusion-ness you can't grow Outside. Am I right?

ELVIS: Did you catch the part where the Palins allowed the Governor's Mansion to LEAK FOR TWO YEARS instead of, you know, GETTING THAT SHIT FIXED?!
Page 131: "We had buckets under ceilings for TWO YEARS until Todd helped track down leaks, and repairs were finally finished." [Emphasis mine, because that's fucking insane.]

REDMOND: You’re of course talking about the entire section of the book dedicated to her scapegoating per dieming the fuck out of the state for living in Wasilla?

ELVIS: Indeed. And kudos on using “per diem” as a verb, huzzah!

REDMOND: Would that be the leak you're referring to, my good man?

ELVIS: She's a violent opponent of Teh Per Diemness. NO SPIFFS FOR ME, THANK YOU!

REDMOND: But then jokes about their ability to even cover a hotel room. Ha! That wacky Sarah. Hates per diems, but goddamn, aren't they paltry?

ELVIS: And, because she's a Real American and a Populist, as proven by her enormous Tour Bus painted with her giant grinning face, she cannot bear to have the governor's mansion host its own Fancy-Pants Chef, whom she hates. Because all he could cook was Granola and Birkenstock Pie and Liberal Abortion Stew.

REDMOND: Sarah Palin: Battler of Fancy Cuisines. That's for the liberal faggots in their New York bungalows reading Vanity Fair on a couch made of John Kerry's elitist loon penis.

ELVIS: I'm reclining on my Kerry Loon Penis Sectional now, huzzah!

REDMOND: That's comfort only book larnin' can buy. Speaking of John Kerry cracks - which was culled from the book like every other joke we've made - did you enjoy the nice character assassinations of Andrew Halcro and Walt Monegan?

ELVIS: Not as much as Andrew Halcro did. He's been on something of Teh Warrings Path lately.

REDMOND: I love how she introduces a new character each chapter then paints them as a falafel eating terrorist who hates the private sector. Why do they hate the private sector?!

ELVIS: Monegan I saw coming a mile away. WHY CAN'T I JUST DRILL OIL DIRECTLY OUT OF THE PRIVATE SECTOR?!?! THE DELICIOUS, JESUS-SCENTED PRIVATE SECTOR!?!

REDMOND: WITH DUCT TAPE?!

ELVIS: Sarah Palin, Governor, Day One: "What can I drill? Find me something I can fucking drill!" Sarah Palin, Governor, Days Two - Quitting Day: Scandal.

REDMOND: I'm seriously, 100% convinced duct tape was the Palin Family contraception of choice. So let that be an object lesson to you Young Americans in a jam. (Go for the Saran Wrap.)

ELVIS: Mmmm. "Jam." I'm hungry. I wish I could shoot my dinner from a helicopter like Real Americans.

REDMOND: For organic beluga whale peacefully coexisting with oil rigs because Alaska is Narnia?

ELVIS: I think they actually have beluga whales working ON the rigs. In little hard-hats. With Jesus Fish tattoos. No, wait. That’s Track.

REDMOND: (Side Note: Smirnoff claim their Ice beverages have 5% alcohol. They would be lying.)

ELVIS: The icy deliciousness hides quite a bit. I'm going to need heroin to finish reading this fucking book.

REDMOND: I'm leafing through the chapter now to see what I highlighted...
Ah ha! Here's the "my only skeleton is a D in college" spiel she sold Oprah last week.

ELVIS: I do my notes on a legal pad: Page 135: WTF? Page 137: Oh for God's sake. Page 146: Quotes Thomas Paine?!?! WTF!!

REDMOND: Ironically in the same chapter where she claims to have flown from Texas to Alaska while having contractions for the baby she thought about aborting.

ELVIS: Yeah, Andrew Sullivan thinks that entire story is Teh Horse Shittings.
Hey look, amniotic fluid! Hi, Alaska Air? I'd like to gush baby-making juice in First Class. Oh, and he's a Down Baby. Enjoy the lawsuits!

REDMOND: That's right, folks, Sarah Palin contemplated the Big A but was saved by pro-Life activists like they were dead Jedi Knight phantoms.

ELVIS: Also, she believes in "chromosomes."

REDMOND: And amniotic fluid.

ELVIS: Which I'm pretty sure is Teh Science.

REDMOND: And sonograms. And light bulbs.

ELVIS: Chromosome is just a fancy word for Jesus Particles.

REDMOND: You see where I'm going with this?

ELVIS: I do. And I think we could probably go on like that all night.
Let's Sum Up, shall we? I have to shoot a caribou in the scrotum from 1500 feet with a bazooka. Like Real Americans.

REDMOND: My God, let's. Considering Chapter Four is 40 pages longer than this last one. Fucking murder me in the eye, Sweet Baby Jesus.

ELVIS: Summing up Chapter Three...hmmm...

REDMOND: Sarah Palin continues the parable of her ascension to Teabag Messiah.

ELVIS: POW!

REDMOND: Wait, that summarizes the whole book...

ELVIS: And every third sentence.

REDMOND: Sarah Palin fights for private sectors. There I go again.

ELVIS: It's impossible. The book defies summation.

REDMOND: Oh, that reminds me, last note.

ELVIS: Go!

REDMOND: Sarah Palin rails about oil companies taking jobs to other countries with less work and environmental regulations. Then forms PSIO or PISO which, surprise, regulates oil companies so they clean up their work sites.

ELVIS: Correct. Sensible policies for a happier Alaska!

REDMOND: Just another beautiful WTF moment for Sarah Palin. I hate regulation because it cost jobs, but hey, looky here, I started a regulatory organization.

ELVIS: I loved that part, though: How unfortunate it was that Government regulations about, oh you know, FUCKING SAFETY AND THE ENVIRONMENT made it so hard for Alaskans to fuck us all over $140/barrel oil.

REDMOND: But she loves the environment. Loves it so much.

ELVIS: Stupid Communist Real American Squirrel-Knitters!

REDMOND: Especially it's environmenty oil.

ELVIS: And its animals, made out of deliciousness. That Teh God™ wants us to eat.
After shooting them from the International Space Station.

REDMOND: Which she wants to love even more - in a barrel - at breakneck profits to that shitty nation. What's it called? Oh, right, The Lower 48.

ELVIS: The Outsiders. Which I believe starred Tom Cruise, who is screamingly gay. Is that Libel or Slander?

REDMOND: Bunch of Queers with their Historic Towns and Non-Duct Tape Apparel.

ELVIS: But to whose Xenusian Masters I bend a humble knee upon their inevitable conquest of Earth. HUZZAH!

REDMOND: Hail, L. Ron! Or Heil, even.

ELVIS: He answers to both.

REDMOND: Yeah he does. On his sacred sea craft with young boys. But I digress, Chapter 3 summation:

ELVIS: Yes, please. Summate.

REDMOND: Sarah Palin uses folksy anecdotes to prove good ol' common sense is all you need to run a legislative body. Until the ethics complaints come in then you quit because, really, what more could you do?

ELVIS: And Mommy Skills!

REDMOND: Shit, the Mommy Skills.

ELVIS: Because that's what's best for your family: Quitting.

REDMOND: No offense to mothers out there, but this is the Shiny Ultra Fuck You Badge of Christian Women.

ELVIS: Sports Analogy: Never Give Up! Family Analogy: Just Takes A Mommy! Real Life: Fuck It, I Quit!

REDMOND: A child came out of my vagina. I DESERVE EVERYTHING. I chose life, let me near the nukes.

ELVIS: I think she hears Wagner in her head.

REDMOND: That last ones probably less offensive, but you catch my drift.

ELVIS: Loud, loud Wagner.

REDMOND: And Toby Keith. Who got some love in the first paragraph.

ELVIS: That's not the only love he got! POW! SLANDER! Or is that libel?

REDMOND: Along with the Black Eyed Peas later who I am sure we're thrilled.

ELVIS: They're very Conservative, those The Black-Eyed Peas.
They also love the drilling.

REDMOND: Yes, I get that vibe from that Fergie woman and the Bill Maher-visiting Will.I.am.

ELVIS: Fergie drills for oil in Domesticated Baby Otter skulls.

REDMOND: Very conservative.

ELVIS: Wrap it up, Mr. Redmond, I have to eat something.

REDMOND: Lady Humps: You don't get more free market than that. I summed it up. You go. Say things in summating fashion.

ELVIS: Chapter Three, In A Nutshell: “If You're A Democrat, Teh God Hates You And Wishes You Were Dead. Also: Responsible Resource Development." Done and done.

REDMOND: HUZZAH!

ELVIS: Aaaannnnnd, SCENE!

REDMOND: See you folks tomorrow for Chapter 4: Redmond and Elvis Light Going Rogue on Fire - Literally into their Eyeballs. G'night, AWESOME BLOG!

ELVIS: PEACE!