Conspiracy Theory

According to National Rifle Association (NRA) executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, while the Obama Administration has been sympathetic toward gun-rights advocates during his first term in office, it's actually just a ruse to fool you into thinking he isn't going to take away your guns during his second term.

“[The Obama campaign] will say gun owners — they’ll say they left them alone,” LaPierre told an audience at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) Friday. “In public, he’ll remind us that he’s put off calls from his party to renew the Clinton [assault weapons] ban, he hasn’t pushed for new gun control laws… The president will offer the Second Amendment lip service and hit the campaign trail saying he’s actually been good for the Second Amendment.”

“But it’s a big fat stinking lie!” the NRA leader exclaimed. “It’s all part of a massive Obama conspiracy to deceive voters and destroy the Second Amendment in our country.”

“Obama himself is no fool. So when he got elected, they concocted a scheme to stay away from the gun issue, lull gun owners to sleep and play us for fools in 2012. Well, gun owners are not fools and we are not fooled,” La Pierre declared.

Amazing! He sure fooled me!

This administration has also kept the country largely safe and set us on a path toward a more coherent foreign policy agenda, but that may also be a delicate ruse to make you think he isn't a secret Muslim, terrorist sympathizer!

Expect a surplus of The Crazy™ to surface over the next several days as CPAC transpires.

  • Brett Freeman

    LaPierre is an asshole, and a dangerous asshole at that, but he’s not crazy. The best year ever for gun and ammo sales was the year following Obama’s inauguration because the NRA had Hillbillyville convinced the new president was going to take their guns away. It never happened, sales ebbed towards normal levels, and now LaPierre is trying to make history repeat itself. Of course, only a fucking moron would fall for the same bullshit ruse twice–which shows that LaPierre is very familiar with his audience.

  • Brutlyhonest

    Like every thing else with the wingnuts, facts are irrelevant. They believe it so it is true. Such easily manipulated sheeple.

  • drsquid

    Substitute “spreading Communism” for “taking away guns” and “Russkies” for “President Obama”, and you have what conservatives said after the Soviet Union fell.

    Yes, muselet, it really is Conservative Mad Libs.

  • muselet

    “Sotomayor, Kagan, Fast & Furious, the United Nations, executive orders. Those are the facts we face today… President Obama and his cohorts, yeah, they’re going to deny their conspiracy to fool gun owners. Some in the liberal media, they are already probably blogging about it. But we don’t care because the lying, conniving Obama crowd can kiss our Constitution!”

    Okay, those are all real words and they’re arranged in patterns that strongly resemble sentences, but those sentence-like structures make less sense than, say, “Hatstand, paper bag unravels baboon quark in the dark. Don’t exsanguinate corrugated turnips, build ear wax.”

    Either Wayne LaPierre is playing Conservative Mad Libs or, in the immortal words of Inspector Clouseau, “He’s out of his mind, that’s what he’s out of!”


    • Alan Fors

      Build ear wax! Go!

  • gescove

    Well, yeah, because, you know, nothing says “I’m coming after your guns and ammo” like taking no action whatsoever to come after your guns and ammo. Sheesh.

  • Adam Morrow

    Wasn’t it under a republican administration that American citizens had their guns taken away by law enforcement/mercenaries in the wake of Katrina.

  • Broadway Carl

    Oh, God. Is it CPAC time already?

  • mrbrink

    It should be against the law for an arms dealer to mobilize his cult against the President of the United States Of America.

    • nicole

      For real.

  • nicole

    I love, love, LOVE, CPAC!! All the assholishness of the group calling themselves “Republican” comes out in full force for all the world to see.


    • D_C_Wilson

      Did they invite Ann Coulter again this year? She’s always good for promoting assholishness.

      • nicole

        Don’t know, DC, but you’re right. She is such a hateful whacko, it stymies me that she has any followers.

    • FinninMinn

      assholier than thou

  • D_C_Wilson

    They really have no shame.

  • Bob Rutledge

    You know that one character on the Simpsons? The old woman with all the cats?

    She can no longer be considered “crazy”. The R’s have gone completely round the bend.

    • Robert Scalzi

      Eleanor Abernathy