Tennessee Approves Cooties Bill

I didn't think it was possible to make abstinence-only education even more useless, but apparently it is, as demonstrated by the Tennessee state legislature.

Last week, the Senate passed SB 3310, a bill to update the state’s abstinence-based sex education curriculum to define holding hands and kissing as “gateway sexual activities.” Just one senator voted against the legislation; 28 voted in favor.

Since the bill specifically bans teachers from “demonstrating gateway sexual activity”, educators would be prohibited from even demonstrating what hand-holding is.

What about physical activities or games played during gym class that require holding hands? Is that a "gateway sexual activity?"

This isn't a "hold an aspirin between your knees" level of silliness, but it's close.

  • CMiner

    Does this make holding hands in prayer at the Flagpole in September illegal? How ’bout the football or volleyball or any teams in a huddle before the game or meet? Do these yahoo legislators ever think anything through?!

    Instead of micromanaging the curriculum, shouldn’t these legislators be making sure schools actually have the funds to operate?

  • MatherZ

    How old are the kids that are “learning” this stuff? If they’re teenagers, it’s laughable because telling teenagers to avoid kissing – or even to avoid sex – is like telling a shark to be a vegetarian.
    If they’re pre-pubescent, then it’s just weird because those kids will have spent their whole lives holding someone’s hand, and to be told it’s wrong will screw them up quite completely – but not as completely as will the conflict between that teaching and what every fibre of their beings will tell them when they hit puberty.

    Have these legislators completely forgotten what adolescence is like?
    Actually, I bet they DO remember, and their repressed brains are so embarrassed by those memories that they’re trying to nip the whole affair in the bud by pre-repressing kids.

  • OsborneInk

    Up next: to keep the genders from eyeing one another, Tennessee will require women to wear burkas in public. While outlawing mosques.

  • eljefejeff

    I was surprised to find a stack of magazine/pamphlet thingys in my classroom today which must’ve been put there by the teacher I share the room with, of abstinence only education for middle schoolers. And I teach in California. There was also advice for growing up and facing other tough choices about who you are. No advice for gays, no mention of condoms. Again, in Califuckinfornia!

  • pgeorge

    What happened to needing at least three hugs a day for good health? Are they just TRYING to raise a generation of kids that will be so afraid of human contact that the affectionate touch of another human being makes them feel guilty?

    • muselet

      How else to instill the proper level of self-loathing and pig-ignorance necessary to return the US to a proper disgust with sex? (Sex is solely for reproduction. Lie back and think of England Murca. Women who enjoy sex are sluts. Unmarried women who have sex are sluts. Sluts must be banished from polite society. &c. SEE: Santorum, Rick SEE ALSO: Bryant, Anita; Fischer, Bryan; Gallagher, Maggie)


  • gescove

    The new school uniform will be a burqa.

  • muselet


  • Ned F

    When there is a school dance and the slow song comes on, are the chaperones to run out with rulers to make sure everyone stays a foot apart?
    I really cannot wait for the first lawsuit to come out of this when the nohands law is enforced, circus time!

  • Claude Weaver

    Wow, so how would they address relatives? You know there are parents and such that are really affectionate, and according to this, your grammy giving a peck on the cheek is tantamount to incest.

    By the way, you are welcome for that image in your heads.

  • stacib23

    This isn’t a “hold an aspirin between your knees” level of silliness, but it’s close.

    Sorry to disagree, JM, but this is the worse than the aspirin bullshit. Holding hands, really? When I was a kid in school, we had to hold hands for every flippin’ thing from going to the bathroom to lining up for recess. I should check the sexual deviant list in my neighborhood – hell, I could be on it.

  • GrafZeppelin127

    Jeebus fleebing cripes. Why don’t they just outlaw schtupping and get it over with?

  • Sean Richardson

    No holding hands? Think of the impact this will have on Tennessee’s buddy system!

  • Grant Beaudette

    I for one am appalled that the Tennessee legislature failed to address the true root of gateway sexual… looking other people in the eye while talking to them.
    Anything less is just a band-aid.