Thankfully No Americans Were Killed

The Onion never disappoints.

WASHINGTON—In response to the shooting death of six Sikh worshippers at a temple in Oak Creek, WI yesterday, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) offered a public expression of her thankfulness that no Americans had been killed in the rampage. "It's a relief and a blessing that not a single American died in this event," Bachmann said of the incident that claimed the lives of six Americans who practice the Sikh faith. "All of us can be grateful for that. Had the gunman targeted a church or synagogue, this violent act could have been much, much worse. There's no telling how many Americans might have died." Bachmann concluded by calling on citizens nationwide to direct all their thoughts and prayers to the family of wounded police lieutenant Brian Murphy, who was shot multiple times while rushing to help victims.

I applaud those who are still able to satirize the world we live in. They are truly gifted.

  • Art__VanDalay

    Please read this letter by some nutjob American in a Canadian newspaper. Reads just like something out of the Onion but is incredibly not fake. Some Americans are truly nuts.

  • Victor_the_Crab

    This is the Onion at its best.

  • Michael Norris

    I have to tell you, I had to read that three or four times before I understood it was satire. I could seriously hear that fucktard saying something like that. I was totally faked out.

  • jasperjava

    What makes this satire work is that you can TOTALLY imagine Bachmann saying that.

    • mdblanche

      No, if Bachmann were really going to say something like that, she would have said one American died.

  • Rich Morgan

    “Had the gunman targeted a church…” Hell, evangelical churches are pretty well defended these days.

    Less satirical than I wish it were.

  • Ripley_rules

    The above post is a classic example of Poe’s Law. You have to explicitly state that what you are about to say is satire or otherwise people will think it’s real.

  • Olivia Pitts

    I read through the whole thing before I saw the reference to The Onion. It was so much in keeping with her usual garbagebrain spew that I didn’t even guess it was satire until I saw the last line at the very end mentioning satire.

    • JMAshby

      Exactly why I made sure to point it out. And why I appreciate satirists during these times.