A Dispatch from the UFO Convention

The opening day of CPAC went in unexpected directions as The Gohmert Pyle took the stage.

For example — this is a new one.

Gohmert: I’m not gonna debate the merits of whether we should or should not have gone to Vietnam, but what I will tell you is Vietnam was winnable but people in Washington decided we would not win it!

Apparently, according to Gohmert, if we had simply spent another week bombing the country, the Viet Cong would have surrendered. Because one more week would have been more consequential than the previous 20 years of conflict. We were -this- close!

Of course there’s also the perennially-insane Allen West

West: Folks I’m speaking from experience when I tell you there is nothing on this green earth that a liberal progressive fears more than a black American who wants a better life and a smaller government.

He has discovered our secret! That must be why I voted for President Obama. A black man who wants a better life for everyone, not just himself, and who has actually presided over a smaller government than the previous president.

More to come as the Vacation Bible School UFO Convention Outreach Seminar continues.

  • D_C_Wilson

    One thing you missed was Rick Perry slamming both McCain and Romney and he used the number excuse conservatives make whenever they lose: We didn’t nominate real conservatives.

  • trgahan

    Considering that Vietnam, as a whole, is currently one of the US’s closer allies in southern Asia, exactly what would have the US gained had we “won” the war?
    I know he’s addressing a bunch of old fearful white people still fighting the cold war, but still.

    • 1933john

      Hell, their still fighting the Civil War.

  • D_C_Wilson


    Seriously? They still want to debate the merits of a war that was over 40 fucking years ago while we’re still neck deep in another war that has gone on longer than Vietnam had?

  • nicole

    I gave up paying attention to CPAC a few years back………just could not take the ridiculousness of their chatter.

    Anyway, thanks for paying attention for us, Ashby.

    • Clecinosu

      I always call it CPAP. Everyone there seems to be oxygen-deprived.

    • D_C_Wilson

      I see it as the circus coming to town, only with more clowns and elephants.

    • JMAshby

      But it’s a comedy goldmine!

      • mrbrink

        I know! It’s falling off the bone hilarious!

  • muselet

    Louie Gohmert chose to go to Texas A&M and Baylor University Law instead of enlisting and requesting to be posted to Vietnam so he could help win that winnable war. Wonder why?

    And Allen West flatters himself. What he interprets as squeaks of fear from liberal progressives (as opposed to what, conservative progressives?) are actually the sounds of barely-stifled laughter.

    It’s always fun when the circus is in town, but one does tire of the clowns.


    • Clecinosu

      As commented on another site:

      I was going to call him Gohmert Pyle, until I realized Gomer Pyle actually volunteered to go into the Marines.

      • D_C_Wilson

        That’s why I call him Pete Puma.

    • D_C_Wilson

      Allen West was a disgrace to the uniform he once wore and then he went on to become a disgrace to the Congress. And believe, the latter is a much harder accomplishment. You really have to be a complete lunatic to be considered worse that people like Crazy Eyes Bachmann and Louie “Terror Babies” Ghomert.

      • muselet

        If there were justice in the world, Allen West would be spending his days in Fort Leavenworth for the stunt(s) he pulled in Iraq.

        Disgrace is the right word.