After losing battles at Cemetery Ridge and Gettysburg over 148 years ago, Confederate troops, now under the command of freshman Senators and congresspersons from the Tea Party, had reassembled their forces in Richmond, Virginia– home to the battle cry of “Give me liberty or give the Poors death by no healthcare and food rations!”
Nobody north of Kentucky could figure it out, the terms of surrender had been signed by General Lee on 4 April 1865, and ratified by the television debut of The Dukes of Hazard from 1979-1985. After years of strategic rebuilding and political fortification by Confederate loyalists, the election of the nation’s first black President was supposed to cure the Rebels of their inability to see beyond race, gender, and sexual orientation. They were unimpressed with all his, um, “policies.”
With confusion over the exact cause for rebellion all these years later, the Confederacy had sacked the Union’s treasury in 2007 and human military stockpiles years earlier. And, with bayonets drawn, they now held the weary and beleaguered nation as economic prisoners until the Billionaire’s Anti-Union Union Alliance arrived via lobbyist, via corporate jet, with their list of demands for immediate seizure of the Union’s healthcare and food rations as payment for allowing the Union to live.
But it was an epic battle of half-wits and rich white men of questionable breeding. Infighting among the Rebel factions had splintered them into groups: Country and Western. With chaos and disorder weakening the credibility of the Confederate generals with the hearts and minds of decent people everywhere, the time to resurrect the ghost of Jefferson Davis and John Wilkes Booth was now! The reins of power and ignorance were there for the taking.
The Southern Rebel forces had seized power of the U.S. House of Representatives in 2010, and used their Senatorial brigade with merciless guerrilla class warfare tactics. Calls for States’ Whites could be heard throughout gun shows and in the aftermath of every mass shooting of innocents. Children being gunned down on their way to school, women being forced to carry their quartered soldiers’ babies under penalty of death, ballot boxes shuttered, relocated to undisclosed locations, democracy virtually abandoned.
Pointless and intellectually-violent confrontations ensued. Calls for cutting spending in an era of unprecedented deficit reduction and Confederate austerity policies for the poor had crippled the Union’s ability to defend itself against poverty, high unemployment, wage stagnation, conservative radio, and even starvation. The people of America, still trying to pick up the salvageable pieces from the beloved Confederate imbecile and the great rubble-pile-maker leadership of General Decider Commander-Guy George W. Bush, the Confederacy had finally taken the high ground by taking position at the bottom of Capitol Hill.
After negotiations failed to sway Union forces to give up their rights, protections, and democratic redress, the Confederacy thundered from the floors of Congressburg, D.C., calling for millions more to face the uninsured firing squad of corporate-sponsored death sentences. More children to go hungry, less women not knowing their place, and no more minorities even thinking about their government intervening on their behalf!
Their demands seemed reasonable to them, for no other reason than to appease the battle cries of history’s stupidest criminals. So, they marched. They marched to reclaim their unifying glory, to institute their collective ignorance and bigotry at the end of a gun. To restore old timey values that only an authoritarian party of racists and bigots can know.
President Abraham Lincoln could not be reached for comment on the current state of the war, but he did send his regards once, asking in a first draft of his inaugural address from 1861, “Shall it be peace, or the sword?”
Over 148 years later, the Confederacy has restated their answer.