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I Have A Dream That All Furniture Will Be Discounted!

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, admission to all 401 national parks will be free tomorrow, but if discovering the timeless beauty of the outdoors isn’t your thing, you can always count on store sales and promotions to set just the right tone for this day of celebration and reflection.

For instance, Banana Republic is offering 40% off your entire purchase using a promo code.

There’s a sale at Penney’s! 20% off site wide and an extra 25% off clearance with coupon!

Well, what about Bloomingdales, you ask? Up to, up to 75% off your online purchases, plus an additional 15% using coupon code!

They’re giving away the dream, here, people! You’re practically robbing them of their dream with discounted prices like these!

And just in case you thought you’d starve while taking advantage of all these Crazy Eddie sales, Burger King– or, Martin Luther Burger King-- is offering a free small coffee with purchase– no free rides here, dreamers.

All these dignified sales and giveaways prompted some criticisms from the rabble, sure, but they’ve probably never seen savings like this:


Have you tried getting a date in this economy? Up to 40% off! They’re practically giving away the intimate connections at these prices!

I know what you’re thinking. These sales are great, but where can I get a gun? Well, you’re in luck because the Multnomah County Republican Party in Oregon just so happens to be selling raffle tickets for a brand new, never-been-used in a mass shooting, AR-15(or a handgun by the winner’s choice). That’s ‘pro-choice’ for Republicans.

Portland, OR January 13, 2014:  Multnomah Country Republicans recognize the incredible time of year we are in. In successive months to start the year, we celebrate the legacy of two great Republicans who demonstrated leadership and courage that all of us still lean on today: Martin Luther King, Jr and Abraham Lincoln. In celebrating these two men, and the denial of the rights they fought so hard against, the Multnomah County Republican Party announces that we have started our third raffle for an AR-15 rifle (or handgun of the winner’s choice). The drawing will be held at our Lincoln Day Dinner on February 15th, 2014. Tickets are once again $10 apiece, or 12 for $100, and there is a hard cap of 500 tickets in the raffle.

The Lincoln Day Dinner, at which the drawing will be held, promises to be a special event. Another great Conservative, Rafael Cruz, will be the keynote speaker, speaking of his inspirational escape from tyranny and embracing the American Dream.

And if that’s not enough, some enterprising conservative groups are proposing a whole new national holiday to commemorate our advances and progress that Dr. King would surely be proud of, as a conservative Republican, and all.

So don’t walk, run! to your nearest sale and tell them you have a dream and a promo code.


  • D_C_Wilson

    This is exactly why I am adamantly opposed to making 9/11 a national holiday.

  • joseph2004

    I’m sure, Brink, that if you are adamant about paying full price, you’ll be welcomed to do so… especially if you make it clear that your offer to pay full price is in honor of Martin Luther King Jr., for his legacy, you know? That’s what he would have wanted.

    • JMAshby

      You really have to try to be this much of a smug jagoff.

      • Christopher Foxx

        No, it comes easy to him.

  • GrafZeppelin127

    MLK, Jr. was not a Republican. MLK, Sr. was.

  • muselet

    We as a country commercialize everything we can. Religious holidays, national holidays, natural phenomena, doesn’t matter. If there’s an event of any description, resourceful retailers will create a special, this-weekend-only-stop-by-and-save-save-save! sale to exploit … erm, I mean commemorate, I always get those confused … commemorate it.

    In the most American possible way, Martin Luther King Day sales represent the mainstreaming of someone who, in life, scared the poo out of the good burghers. Yes, it’s in bad taste. Yes, it’s insulting to King’s memory. Yes, a thousand times yes, it’s seriously strange.

    Welcome to America, where we honor our important historical figures by cutting prices on crap no one really needs to buy.

    Incidentally, I wonder if anyone in the Multnomah County Republican Party would get the joke if the winner of their Lincoln Day Dinner raffle chose as their prize a .44 caliber Derringer. My guess is no.


    • drspittle

      30 Rock did a brilliant send up of the “Love Actually” American wannabe movies (Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve); in the opening scene, a young woman in a cubicle bewails the fact that “tomorrow is Dr. Martin Luther King Day and I don’t have a date”.

  • drspittle

    Because nothing says “honoring the legacy of two “great Republicans”, both of whom were shot to death, like raffling an AR-15 rifle or a handgun.

    • mdblanche

      I think it says what they really think of their legacies.

      • drspittle

        Sadly, yes.