The Daily Banter

Bill O’Reilly Insists Lincoln Would Never Appear on a Comedy Show (With Bonus Lincoln Fart Joke)

Yes, this is what the American debate has come down to: whether Abraham Lincoln would’ve appeared on Zach Galifianakis’ internet comedy show “Between Two Ferns.”

But leave it to (ghost-written and factually shoddy) Lincoln “expert” and chairman of the loud-mouth, town-elders-from-Footloose television caucus, Mr. Bill O’Reilly, to presume that the 16th President of the United States would absolutely turn down an opportunity, were he president today, to appear on an internet show in order to promote his agenda. This is where we are as a nation, folks: would Lincoln deign to appear on a show with the guy from the Hangover movies?

First and foremost, if Lincoln were alive today he never would’ve been elected president. He just isn’t pretty enough, and there was also his high-pitched voice and awkward mannerisms, too. (When speaking in public, Lincoln would occasionally crouch down and leap into the air with his arms uplifted in a “touchdown” motion. You know, for emphasis. Howard Dean’s peculiar yalp in 2004 was nothing.)

But if by some miracle the highly superficial and stupendously cynical American voting public had elected Lincoln instead of Obama five years ago, they probably would’ve observed a president who wasn’t the dour, bedraggled chief executive with miles of bad corduroy road carved into his scruffy, mule-kicked face. We know for a fact that even while managing unprecedented Civil War carnage, Lincoln was well versed in stacks of humorous stories and jokes, and would often hold court repeating his library of memorized zingers.

That’s not to say he was a barrel of laughs all the time, as we can plainly see in those Alexander Gardner photos. The emotional and physical strain he endured due to the unimaginable pressures of a war and its accompanying stakes are well documented.

Even then, yes, President Lincoln could still tell a good fart joke. Yes, really. This fart joke, for example… READ MORE

  • Toolymegapoopoo

    Isn’t the White House Correspondents Dinner just one big roast of the media? I believe even St. Reagan told a joke or two despite being embroiled in the Iran-Contra scandal. O’Reilly is a fucking tool.