Dumbassery

Bundy Defense: We’re Authentic Frontier Idiots

oregon-standoff-tarpman-lcS
JM Ashby
Written by JM Ashby

Sometimes the jokes write themselves and that is definitely the case here.

I can understand if the Bundy militia's lawyers want their clients to look respectable in the court room, but this is something else entirely. Bundy's lawyers apparently want their clients to be seen as an authentic cowboys and, to that end, they've asked the court to permit their clients to wear cowboys boots at trial.

"We would prefer our clients not look like disheveled slackers in front of the jury,'' Philpot told the judge during Tuesday's last pretrial conference hearing.

Philpot added later in the day in a written motion, "These men are cowboys, and given that the jury will be assessing their authenticity and credibility, they should be able to present themselves to the jury in that manner."

FrySuspicious

The jury will decide if the Bundy militiamen violated a wide range of federal laws when they engaged in a hostile takeover of federal property at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

As far as I know they haven't been charged for being fake cowboys.

To be serious, it's not clear to me how this is even relevant. Whether or not someone can claim to be an authentic cowboy has absolutely no relation to their culpability for committing crimes. I suppose their lawyers are simply throwing shit at a wall already covered in shit.

  • Hemidemisemiquaver

    Just one more thing to add to the appeal.

    “We wuz robbed becuz we couldn’t show the jury how authentic we wuz.”

    I predict they will attempt to give Cleon Skousen-annotated copies of the Constitution to each jury member. Maybe even a reading list of Skousen’s (and other’s) books.

    “We wuz robbed becuz we couldn’t show the jury our way of thinking. If they had understood that, they would not have convicted.”

    I hope they keep the jury anonymous. Otherwise, there will be jury intimidation.

  • muselet

    “These men are cowboys, and given that the jury will be assessing their authenticity and credibility, they should be able to present themselves to the jury in that manner.”

    First, these wankers parasites brave veterans of the Battle of the Gift Shop are cowboys in exactly the same way I’m 23 and have a full head of hair. Unless of course their lawyer is calling them reckless idiots, in which case, I withdraw my objection.

    Second, no juror in the country gives half a shit about a defendant’s authenticity, whatever that’s meant to mean.

    Third, just because they want to play dress-up doesn’t mean a judge has to let them do so. If they wanted to dress up as ballerinas, as fun as that would be to see, a judge could refuse that request, too. Fashion statements are not admissible in a court of law.

    At best, J Morgan Philpot Esq is putting on a song and dance so his clients think he’s actually doing more than, well, a song and dance. At worst, he actually thinks this rather silly argument will form the basis of the Bundy Bunch’s inevitable appeals.

    –alopecia

  • mdblanche

    Going for the Groucho Marx defense, are they?

  • Draxiar

    I don’t know if they’re authentic cowboys but they are authentic assholes. It might be a more convincing case to dress them as such.

  • gescove

    They should dress up like Gus Chiggins, the Old Prospector, and say things like “Coyotes, wolves, bears? Hell, you should be more afraid of gummint overreach!”

  • Wait, they won’t be wearing six shooters? What about the Second Amendment, people?!?

  • Username1016

    Shouldn’t they be in orange jumpsuits?

  • Michael B. Conway

    What is the problem? Half of the lawyers and judges in my neck of the woods wear cowboy boots and Stetsons and bolo ties every day.

    • 1933john

      That is the “problem”.

  • Nefercat

    I don’t care what they wear on their feet as long as they wear real authentic tin foil hats covered with little tin foil antennae.

  • Dread_Pirate_Mathius

    The only hope the lawyers have in this case – literally the only hope – is jury nullification.

    Basically, they’re hoping that the jury looks at the case, determines that the defendants are guilty, but refuse to convict. This generally happens when the jury decides to effectively void the law. For example, if you’re charged with speeding, but you were trying to get to a hospital for a ruptured appendix, the jury can determine that yes, technically, you are guilty but “screw that,” and release you anyway.

    To that end, it’s imperative to the Bundy folk to appear to be exactly what they claim to be. Freedom loving folk fighting for their rights against an oppressive overreaching government. Cowboy boots can help sell it. Putting them in suits and ties would be counterproductive to that strategy.

  • ninjaf

    Are any other criminal types allowed to wear their “costumes” to the court room? Do authentic gang bangers get to wear their colors so that the jury knows they are real?

    This is ridiculous.