The Defending The American Dream summit wrapped this weekend in a land far, far away from world affairs at the Loews Royal Pacific Resort in Orlando, Florida. The Koch-run Americans for Prosperity Foundation hosted a who’s-who buffet of early bird Republican party imbeciles who were there to pick up some gassy tailwinds and electrolytes for their inevitable 2016 stab at the presidency.
Governors Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, and Rick Scott, along with media ignoramuses, like Michelle Malkin and Greg Gutfeld spoke about their collective mental illnesses to a sympathetic gathering of recovering decency addicts. And, in case you’re thinking that this event was too exclusive for other right wing foundations, rest assured. Arthur C. Brooks, President of The American Enterprise Institute was there to broaden the appeal to both kinds of Americans: Country and Western!
The results are in! according to just about 1,000 mouth-breathers in attendance: Sen. Ted Cruz is an American hero, and Sen. Marco Rubio is now a suspicious alien from Planet Amnesty here to procreate with our womenfolk. No abortions for those alien babies, y’all!
Reports of fellow right wing nuts in the audience heckling Sen. Rubio at the summit indicate that he’s been relegated to back of the bus status. Chants of, “No amnesty!” were heard as Rubio spoke, sending his politically parched lips back to the lily-white asses of his Tea Party sugar daddies for suckling reassurance.
Trying to recover, Sen. Rubio went to the reliable well of idiot-outrage, assailing Obamacare and inciting a huge round of applause for the line, “big government is doing what it’s always done — it is failing.”
(Just to note: As Thom Hartmann says, “When Republicans say that government is failing, they’re bragging.”)
But the damage has been done. Some in attendance talked about Marco Rubio before he even took his first sip of water:
“I’d like to see Marco Rubio, just so I can tell him what I think of his positions — he’s on the wrong track of being a conservative,” Rick Barr, a 60-year-old activist from Indianapolis, said before the speech.
“We’re all a little irritated with Marco,” said Judy Peterson, a retired special-education teacher from Treasure Island, Fla. “Now, that doesn’t mean we’ve thrown him under the bus. But we would like him to — just, come on. He hasn’t explained it very well.”
Meanwhile, the summit’s gloriously triumphant keynote speaker and real American, Sen. Ted Cruz, brought them all back to Ted Town for a rhetorical cross burning & crumpets of right wing conservative charm and wit, telling the crowd that they “would all be audited by the IRS tomorrow,” which brought them to their goose-stepping feet. Not to be outdone by himself, Sen. Cruz then played all of his one greatest hit:
“Right now, the people who are fighting the hardest against our effort to defund Obamacare are sadly Republican,” he said. “Over and over again, they say, ‘We can’t win this fight.’ Well, you know — you lose 100 percent of the fights that you surrender at the outset.”
Nailed it! Let me see those lighters in the air, y’all! Lost causes are not for losers! Ted Cruz will never give up the fight to deny millions of people access to affordable, regulated healthcare!
Jan Cummins, an activist from Orlando, was enthralled, saying, “Oh my God, everything he said was spot on. I’ve been hearing so much buzz about him, but I had never seen him in a full speech from start to finish. And I was terribly impressed. I would vote for him.”
And a Morning Star was born.