Gun Fetishists Guns Wingnuts

Ted Cruz Fries Bacon With a Gun Like Real ‘Merikans

JM Ashby
Written by JM Ashby

There's nothing Ted Cruz enjoys more than cooking breakfast. With a gun.

Not to be pedantic, but that is not a "machine gun."

Personally I prefer a thicker cut of bacon, but I'm just an arugula-eating, liberal heathen who fries bacon in a skillet like most humans who have not been reduced to gimmicks for poll numbers.

Who will be the next Republican presidential candidate to produce a parody of themselves?

  • Groundloop

    Does the IJ in IJReview stand for Idiot Jerkface?

    I’m curious about how many rounds Cruz had to squeeze off to cook one slice of bacon. Seems pretty wasteful and out of control for a fiscal conservative, but as usual IOKIYAR.

  • Lancelot Link

    Not even Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho was stupid enough to put BACON on his GUN.
    This proud product of Harvard University is too dumb for Idiocracy.

    I bet it gets him votes.

  • Christopher Foxx

    Yeah. Bacon always tastes better with machine oil.

    And Ted Cruz is an idiot.

  • muselet

    More Josh Marshall:

    … [T]he biggest loser is Ted Cruz. Cruz’s angle has been to be the one mainstream presidential contender who will take things just a little further than anyone else in the game. You’re for the 2nd Amendment? That’s great. But Ted is out there saying you need your guns ready in case you need to kill some federal officials who are endangering liberty. While the argument is well-know, few candidates for high office will quite go there. But Trumps do anything, say anything mode of militant nonsense has frozen Cruz out almost entirely. And his dipping poll numbers show it.

    That smell in the air? That’s not bacon grease and smokeless powder, that’s flop-sweat.

    (And I prefer to cook bacon in the oven, the way restaurants do. Bacon on a cooling rack over a rimmed baking sheet, 20 minutes or so in a 400° oven. The bacon cooks evenly, never sits in its own grease, and you can cook a lot at one time if you need to.)


    • JMAshby

      I’ve tried it in the oven before and I didn’t care for it, but I am someone who prefers their bacon extra crispy, almost cremated. I have much greater control over crispness in a skillet.

      • muselet

        How to cook bacon is a debate that flares up every once in a while in foodie circles.

        The texture of oven-cooked bacon isn’t ideal—it seems to get tough rather than crisp—but it’s good enough and I can make an omelet and toast while it cooks away in the background. Skillet-cooked bacon has better texture, but it’s one more thing to watch over and I’d just rather not.

        Whether I’m lazy or efficient, I leave to the judgment of others.


  • Toolymegapoopoo

    Where’s all that “respect for firearms” bullshit gun nuts always spout any time us wimpy liberals point out the rampant reckless use and display of guns? Put your money where your mouth is NRA. Oh wait, you are literally eating cash these days? Never mind.

  • Nefercat

    Rand Paul: “Killing” the tax code by fire, wood chipper, chainsaw.
    Graham: Smashing his cell phone.
    Cruz: Cooking bacon on a gun.

    I would be surprising if you could find footage of Hillary, Biden, or Sanders behaving in such an imbecilic, infantile way in the context of an actual campaign for the presidency or any other office. For that matter, I am pretty sure that you could not find footage of them behaving in such a manner at the drinkiest office holiday party ever.

    New republican debate format: All contestants invited, the one that performs the best dance-with-my-underpants-on-my-head, as chosen by their mouth-breathing base, wins the nomination. In case of a tie, an American flag swimsuit competition will determine the winner. Dignity? We don’t need no stinkin’ dignity!

    • JMAshby

      New republican debate format: All contestants invited, the one that performs the best dance-with-my-underpants-on-my-head, as chosen by their mouth-breathing base, wins the nomination.

      We’re almost there already.

    • Nefercat

      Oh, geez, and I forgot, didn’t one of the clowns challenge another one to a pull up contest?