Election 2012

The Hilariously Inexplicable Clint Eastwood Transcript

Crazy old man speaks to empty chair.

In case you missed Clint Eastwoods insanely weird, um, performance art last night, here's the transcript. His bit? He spoke to an empty chair like a mental patient, and pretended President Obama was sitting in the chair. Yes, really.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Save a little for Mitt.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, what's a movie tradesman doing out here? You know they are all left-wingers out there, left of Lenin. At least that's what people think. But that's not really the case. There's a lot of conservative people, a lot of moderate people, Republicans, Democrats, in Hollywood. It's just that the conservative people by the nature of the word itself play it a little more close to the vest. They don't go around hot dogging it. So, uh... But they're there, believe me, they're there. I just think, in fact, some of them around town, I saw Jon Voigt, a lot of people around here in town.

John's here, an academy award winner. A terrific guy. These people are all like-minded, like all of us.

So I — so I've got Mr. Obama sitting here. And he's – I just was going to ask him a couple of questions. But, you know about, I remember three and a half years ago, when Mr. Obama won the election. And though I wasn't a big supporter, I was watching that night when he was having that thing and they were talking about hope and change and they were talking about, yes we can, and it was dark outdoors, and it was nice, and people were lighting candles. And they were saying, you know, I just thought, this is great. Everybody's crying. Oprah was crying.

I was even crying. And then finally – I haven't cried that hard since I found out that there's 23 million unemployed people in this country.

Now that is something to cry for because that is a disgrace, a national disgrace, and we haven't done enough, obviously – this administration hasn't done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

So, so, Mr. President, how do you, how do you handle, how do you handle promises that you've made when you were running for election and how do you handle, how do you handle it?

I mean, what do you say to people? Do you just — you know — I know — people were wondering. You don't? You don't handle it.

Well, I know even some of the people in your own party were very disappointed when you didn't close Gitmo. And I thought, well closing Gitmo — why close that, we spent so much money on it. But, I thought maybe as an excuse.

Oh, What do you mean shut up?

OK, I thought it was just because somebody had the stupid idea of trying terrorists in downtown New York City. Maybe that was it.

I've got to, I've got to hand it to you. I've got to give credit where credit is due. You did finally overrule that finally. And that's so, now we're moving onward. I know, in the, you were against the war in Iraq and that's okay. But you thought the war in Afghanistan was OK.

You know, I mean — you thought that was something worth doing. We
didn't check with the Russians to see how they did there for 10 years.

But we did it, and it was, it's something to be thought about and I think that when we get to maybe — I think you've mentioned something about having a target date for bringing everybody home and you give that target date, and I think Mr. Romney asked the only sensible question. He says, "Why are you giving the date out now? Why don't you just bring them home tomorrow morning?"

And I thought — I thought, yeah — there's, I'm not going to shut up. It's my turn.

So anyway, we're going to have, we're going to have to have a little chat about that. And then, I just wondered, all these promises and then I wondered about, you know, when the, What? What do you want me to tell Romney? I can't tell him to do that. That. He can't do that to himself.

You're crazy. You're absolutely crazy. You're getting as bad as Biden.

Of course we all now Biden is the intellect of the Democratic party.

Just kind of a grin with a body behind it.

But I just think that there's much to be done and I think that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan are two guys that can come along. See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president, anyway because... Yeah.

I think attorneys are so busy. You know they're always taught to argue everything, and always weigh everything and weigh both sides and they're always, you know, they're always devil's advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know all that stuff. But, I think it is maybe time. What do you think for maybe a businessman? How about that?

A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, a stellar businessman. And I think it's that time. And I think if you just kind of stepped aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over.

You could still use the plane. Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler when you're going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that.

You're an ecological man. Why would you want to drive that truck around?

OK, well anyway. All right, I'm sorry. I can't do that to myself either.

But I'd just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen. Something that I think is very important. It is that, you, we, we own this country.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, we own it. And it's not you owning it and not politicians owning it. Politicians are employees of ours.

And, so, they're just going to come around and beg for votes every few years. It's the same old deal. But I just think that it's important that you realize and that you're the best in the world.

And whether you're Democrat or whether you're a Republican or whether you're Libertarian or whatever, you're the best. And we should not ever forget that. And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let 'em go.

Let 'em go.

OK, just remember that. And I'm speaking out for everybody out there. It doesn't hurt, we don't have to be

I do not say that word anymore.

Well, maybe one last time.

We don't have to be — what I'm saying, we don't have to be metal masochists and vote for somebody that we don't really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys or maybe not so nice guys if you look at some of the recent ads going out there. I don't know.

But OK.

You want to make my day, huh?

All right.

Go ahead...

(AUDIENCE: Make my day!)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Here's the Quote of the Day: "Do you just — you know — I know — people were wondering. You don't? You don't handle it. OK."

Some minor notes: Romney is a lawyer. Someone should've prepped Clint. Also, it was insanely disrespectful to the office of the presidency. Third, what the fuck?

One major note: However weird this might've been, the fantasy in Mitt Romney's speech was far more egregious and dangerous than anything in Clint's bizarre thing.

And finally, the president tweeted this photo last night.

Caption: "This seat's taken."

  • D_C_Wilson

    Jamelle Bouie on Twitter:

    “This is a perfect representation of the campaign: an old white man arguing with an imaginary Barack Obama.”

    I can’t think of a better way to sum it up.

  • Victor_the_Crab

    And finally, the president tweeted this photo last night.

    Caption: “This seat’s taken.”

    Game, set, and match: Obama.

  • I don’t think it was a stroke, more like very early stages of Alzheimer’s.
    If so and the GOP knew it, this was the finest example of Karma I’ve ever seen.
    Instant Karma’s gonna get you…

    • Let’s hope the NRA don’t take advantage of that. I’d hate to see him be their mouthpiece.

  • willpen

    The Democrats need to put a BIG empty box on their stage with the words “MITT ROMNEY’S TAX RETURNS” emblazoned on the front in neon lettering.

    • Victor_the_Crab

      LOVE! IT!

  • muselet

    I didn’t see Clint Eastwood’s appearance last night, so I’ve only read the transcript above. I have no other evidence to go on, and I hate to be rude, but I have to ask:

    Has Clint Eastwood had a stroke?

    –alopecia

  • Ellen Kuhlmann

    I couldn’t decide if Clint is in the grips of early Alzheimer’s or is secretly an Obama supporter. Easily the oddest thing I’ve seen in a long time

  • mrbrink

    They’re calling it, “performance art,” too.

    Not, “The Aristocrats!

    “Performance art.”

    A stage reenactment of a public lynching and Clint Eastwood was the honorary switch puller, probably because all their honey boo boos were too busy sharpening their youth knives.

    • I swear I don’t know why, but when someone pulls The Aristocrats line out I laugh every fucking time. Thanks for that.

  • Clint was later seen backstage, arguing with a vending machine.

    • laddieluv

      ..gawd, but I needed that laugh..thanks..perfect..

      • 1933john

        I wonder who won?

        • laddieluv

          ..that’s rhetorical, right?..grins.. the vending machine..of course. HA!

  • mrbrink

    It was a great public service announcement– Look at yourselves, right wing America. This is your stupid fucking brain on Obama Derangement Syndrome.

    Imaginary President Obama was still the better man even while sitting there tied up and gagged with all that uppity and reefer madness pre-beaten out of him.

    The chair had the best lines of the night. Yes, right wing pieces of shit. Go fuck yourselves with a toilet bowl.

  • rob black

    Wouldn’t it be ironic, with all the voter disenfranchisement going on, if they lose because what seems to be their main target demo: angry old white men, cant get out of the nursing home to get registered to vote?

  • Any Republican, including Romney, who says they were not mortified and thoroughly embarrassed by Eastwood are lying.

  • trgahan

    “step aside and maybe Mr. Romney can take over..”

    Earth to Clint, the president is the leader of ONE branch of government…not a CEO or a king. BTW it was your party that started screaming about deficits and shut down government while President Obama was trying to get Congress to act toward employing those 23 million.

    I also hope people caught the obvious racial overtones of imaginary Obama clearly losing it with Eastwood and acting like “one of those.”

  • burbank_burt

    Clint embodies the entire Republican Party (as well as Fox News addicts): The Old, The White, and The Crazy.

  • Ipecac

    Is it my imagination or were most of things he’s complaining about, 23 million unemployed, Afghanistan, a “target date” for ending a war, gas guzzling vehicles, either caused by or supported by the BUSH Administration?!? WTF? If he had switched out the word Obama for Bush, the speech might actually have made sense.

  • mzmijewski

    The party that does not believe in evolution has a fossil giving a speech – perfect.

  • zirgar

    I really used to think that while he’s a Republican, Clint isn’t a strict conservative, so he’s not so bad. I also used to think he was one of the few sane Republicans left out there. Now I know differently. There’s just something that makes these Republicans crazy, that unhinges them, and judging from how it’s escalated in the last few years and seems to be some form of overwhelming right wing mass hysteria, I’d say it’s the black guy in the White House that’s causing it. We’re post-racial! I refused to watch any of the GOP convention and nothing I’ve seen or read has shown me that I was wrong to do so.

  • GrafZeppelin127

    It was perfect, really; an angry, incoherent old white man scolding an imaginary Obama.

    POTUS’ tweet is also perfect; blunt, witty, knowing. He’s an adult in a battle of wits with teenagers.