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This Day In Civil War History

After losing battles at Cemetery Ridge and Gettysburg over 148 years ago, Confederate troops, now under the command of freshman Senators and congresspersons from the Tea Party, had reassembled their forces in Richmond, Virginia– home to the battle cry of “Give me liberty or give the Poors death by no healthcare and food rations!”

Nobody north of Kentucky could figure it out, the terms of surrender had been signed by General Lee on 4 April 1865, and ratified by the television debut of The Dukes of Hazard from 1979-1985. After years of strategic rebuilding and political fortification by Confederate loyalists, the election of the nation’s first black President was supposed to cure the Rebels of their inability to see beyond race, gender, and sexual orientation. They were unimpressed with all his, um, “policies.”

With confusion over the exact cause for rebellion all these years later, the Confederacy had sacked the Union’s treasury in 2007 and human military stockpiles years earlier. And, with bayonets drawn, they now held the weary and beleaguered nation as economic prisoners until the Billionaire’s Anti-Union Union Alliance arrived via lobbyist, via corporate jet, with their list of demands for immediate seizure of the Union’s healthcare and food rations as payment for allowing the Union to live.

But it was an epic battle of half-wits and rich white men of questionable breeding. Infighting among the Rebel factions had splintered them into groups: Country and Western. With chaos and disorder weakening the credibility of the Confederate generals with the hearts and minds of decent people everywhere, the time to resurrect the ghost of Jefferson Davis and John Wilkes Booth was now! The reins of power and ignorance were there for the taking.

The Southern Rebel forces had seized power of the U.S. House of Representatives in 2010, and used their Senatorial brigade with merciless guerrilla class warfare tactics. Calls for States’ Whites could be heard throughout gun shows and in the aftermath of every mass shooting of innocents. Children being gunned down on their way to school, women being forced to carry their quartered soldiers’ babies under penalty of death, ballot boxes shuttered, relocated to undisclosed locations, democracy virtually abandoned.

Pointless and intellectually-violent confrontations ensued. Calls for cutting spending in an era of unprecedented deficit reduction and Confederate austerity policies for the poor had crippled the Union’s ability to defend itself against poverty, high unemployment, wage stagnation, conservative radio, and even starvation. The people of America, still trying to pick up the salvageable pieces from the beloved Confederate imbecile and the great rubble-pile-maker leadership of General Decider Commander-Guy George W. Bush, the Confederacy had finally taken the high ground by taking position at the bottom of Capitol Hill.

After negotiations failed to sway Union forces to give up their rights, protections, and democratic redress, the Confederacy thundered from the floors of Congressburg, D.C., calling for millions more to face the uninsured firing squad of corporate-sponsored death sentences. More children to go hungry, less women not knowing their place, and no more minorities even thinking about their government intervening on their behalf!

Their demands seemed reasonable to them, for no other reason than to appease the battle cries of history’s stupidest criminals. So, they marched. They marched to reclaim their unifying glory, to institute their collective ignorance and bigotry at the end of a gun. To restore old timey values that only an authoritarian party of racists and bigots can know.

On the morning of 28 September 2013, the Virginia Flagger Regiment of Lost Causes, hoisted their colors, again, and prepared their people for war.


Confederate Flag Raised Along I-95 In Chesterfield County. September 27, 2013. (Dead Confederates)


Whites-Only! Yankess Go Home! “Not Fucking Welcome!” The Confederate flag, seen from the trees like an elephant not really trying to hide behind a light post, from I-95 in Virginia. (Dead Confederate)

President Abraham Lincoln could not be reached for comment on the current state of the war, but he did send his regards once, asking in a first draft of his inaugural address from 1861, “Shall it be peace, or the sword?”

Over 148 years later, the Confederacy has restated their answer.

  • Badgerite

    There is only one reason to delay the implementation of the Affordable Care Act at this juncture and that is because they know that it will work and work so well that the public will become as committed to Obamacare as they are to Medicare and Social Security. They have tried to do away with those programs and failed. People have seen how well it worked for their parents and are expecting the same for themselves. This, of course, is why they are so desperate to keep the Affordable Care Act from going into effect that they would risk seriously damaging the US and possibly the world economic recovery. It is certainly not that Obamacare is or will damage anything. Least of all the federal debt or the economy. It is that it will not do so and people will find, as in Massachusettes, that it works really well for the public to achieve its goal of providing affordable healthcare for most if not all of the country. It is not a coincidence that they are pulling this damaging maneuver right before the exchanges are scheduled to go up and people can see what may be available to them under the Affordable Care Act. They’ve ridden this particular horse for three years now, and they don’t want to have to get off and walk. Scumbags!

    • feloniousgrammar

      Then they’d have to get a real job— one that would probably pay them what they’re worth.

  • drspittle

    Brilliant post, Mr. Brink. But you left out one very important thing. The guy with the confederate flag who was talking to the reporter was on the Bataan Death March. You’re welcome.

  • Bill Feller

    Foreclosures and seven bubbles ago, our bankers brought forth on this
    continent a new nation, conceived in Wall Street, and dedicated to the
    proposition that all corporations are created equal.

    Now we are engaged in a great class war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a resting place for those who here gave their jobs, pensions, and 401(K)s that that oligarchic nation might live. It is
    altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, for they cannot afford to rest anyplace else.

    But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave corporations doing business here have polluted it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, for the corporate media will see to that, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the still employed, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished destruction of the Middle Class which they who were bankrupt here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored poor we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of their savings—that we here highly resolve that these poor shall not be
    poor in vain—that this nation, under Wall Street, shall have a new birth of profits—and that government of the corporations, by the corporations, for the corporations, shall not perish from the earth.

    • Badgerite

      Deeply moving!

      • Bill Feller


  • feloniousgrammar

    Totally off topic— anybody here using Google Chrome and having it crash a lot?

  • Seriously, we can just shut the internet down now… although I ‘speck Brink will still manage to top himself (not in the British manner) with his next foray.

  • Just freaking brilliant, Brink. Thank you.

  • MrDHalen

    Just excellent!!!

  • muselet

    You did forget the Gavel Campaign (at the end of which Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner was tied to a chair and a ball gag inserted into his mouth, tragically even before he could drink one last, fortifying glass of Merlot) and the Battle of Bull Shit (still ongoing as I type), but those omissions are understandable, since you are providing only an overview and not a detailed history. Overall, an impressive effort.

    I only wish your post were only an extended metaphor and not an accurate summary of the state of Republican politics.


  • feloniousgrammar

    Yesterday, looking at options for postage stamps, mi amigo mentioned that Civil War stamps were available. I asked, “Do they have Sherman’s March to the Sea!?”

    Alas, not wanting to bring attention to his political views, he got the muscle cars.