An industrious wingnut should invest in a new airline. Call it AIRTIGHT SECURITY AIRLINES: Fly the Cowardly Skies. A commuter airline that goes above and beyond standard security measures -- catering to pee-pants cowards and far-right security hawks.
I mean, whatever it takes to keep passengers safe, right?
--Passengers sign an official legal document waiving several constitutional protections.
--Full FBI background checks and warrentless home searches for all travelers. Phone taps on all cellphones and computer transmissions.
--Profiling any and all people with swarthy complexions, regardless of political affiliation. People with skin that's any darker than "egg shell" will be detained for questioning and body cavity searches. Look out Michelle Malkin and Charles Krauthammer! Get ready for a long day at the airport.
--Non-swarthy travelers are questioned about relationships or friendships with swarthies. All of this takes place at the terminal, by the way.
--No shoes, belts, liquids, metal, or underpants.
--No hot towels, no hot beverages. No amenities of any kind that could be used as a weapon.
--Official AIRTIGHT SECURITY AIRLINES martial arts experts will weed out any passengers with kung fu, ninja or samurai skills.
--All passengers will be strapped down in cages like Buscemi in Con Air.
--If anyone so much as utters the word "Allah" -- all flights canceled.
--Mandatory diapers.
And to the passengers of AIRTIGHT SECURITY AIRLINES, I say God speed. You've successfully amped up your odds of being killed by an airborne terrorist from 1 in 10,000,000 to maybe, I don't know, 1 in 20,000,000? What difference does it make? You're safe! Now if you could figure out how to drive to the airport without being killed, you're all set.