Posted by Elvis Dingeldein and Redmond in Jabba Guard Disguises
But Katie wasn't interested in discussing these issues.... Instead, when I tried to describe frequent Russian incursions by figuratively referring to Vladimir Putin entering our airspace, CBS researched the Russian leader's actual flight plan over the United States and called my statement inaccurate. And when I referenced Alaska's narrow maritime border to describe our close proximity to other nations, CBS reported that the Coast Guard monitored the border and not the governor. - Sarah Palin, Going Rogue.
In which Sarah Palin has a convenient excuse for every boner she pulled leading up to and during the vice presidential debate. Not talking to the press? Oh, they're just 90% liberal. Katie Couric interview? She meant to do that. Her inability to answer a single question? Steve Schmidt beat her with a belt until she agreed to play dumb. Or in other words, how Sarah Palin would've totally won had everyone just shut up and listened to folksy anecdotes about hockey.
Also, Exploitation Time with Trig! Oh, boy!
REDMOND: Before we start, fun fact: Lizz Winstead's newest follower thanks to her Retweeting you? THIS GUY.ELVIS: POW! HUZZAH! And I actually tweeted her that exact thing, telling her she had incremented followers by One since my retweet! And it was YOU!REDMOND: I know, I read your RetweetELVIS: Pow!REDMOND: Hence why I mentioned that. ZING!ELVIS: Oh, Lizz Winstead. Your name has One Too Many Zs. So we should tell everyone that tonight we're covering pages 246 - 298 of WHY ME NOT PRESIDENT?REDMOND: Which were extra bullshitty, no?ELVIS: Or, as I like to call them, the "Oh Holy Fuckballs Now I Have Soul Cancer" section. Extra-special Secret Sauce Bullshitty indeed.REDMOND: Although it continues the theme of this entire book: Nothing is Sarah Palin's fault.ELVIS: Also: The McCain Campaign was run from a Secret Volcano Lair built out of Stupid. She goes on and on about "The Headquarters" that she never saw and had no idea who ran and never ONCE stops to reflect, "Fuck me, that's TERRIFYING!"REDMOND: And had everyone just read Investor's Business Daily they would know that Troopergate was a non-issue.ELVIS: That's right, folks: The McCain Campaign : "Country First, Because Our Veep Knows Fuck-All Even About Her Own Campaign!"REDMOND: This of course being the same Investor's Business Daily that claimed Stephen Hawking would've died in the UK health system.ELVIS: Yes, Investor's Business Daily, that paragon of Alaskan Awesomeness.REDMOND: Why didn't we all just listen to THEM?ELVIS: There's something seriously wrong with this woman.REDMOND: You think?ELVIS: There is not WORD ONE from her about Teh Why. WHY did the McCain Campaign put her in a Media Box? WHY TEH JESUS, WHY?REDMOND: She paraphrases the entire VP debate in one sentence:
"The debate went well--from my perspective, anyway."
ELVIS: Yeah. [Blink. Blink.]REDMOND: And I absolutely believe that's how she feels about it. "I sure did whoop some Biden ass, ding dangit."ELVIS: Page after page of happy horseshit about Katie Couric. One line about the debate.REDMOND: Which is ironic considering she spent most of this section blasting the McCain campaign's preparation for the debate. And even better, they were the ones behind her non-answers. Not the fact that she knows goddamn nothing and still thinks Alaskans are fighting a Japanese invasion on the back of whales with Aquaman.ELVIS: Right, which she didn't know how to not answer because they'd given her SO MANY non-answers. BASTARDS!REDMOND: Exactly. And also Steve Schmidt spooked her before a debate. Because Sarah Palin is like a horse.ELVIS: With his "F-bombs." As if Piper Palin doesn't wake up every morning to the loudest chorus of FUCKs since Malkovich in BURN AFTER READING. No, there's no swearing in the Palin house. Todd is Joey Genteelpants.REDMOND: Mmm, Malkovich. Love that opening. As for more things the campaign fucked up - not Sarah - the Katie Couric interviews. Which she only did out of pity because Katie has low self-esteem.ELVIS: Poor, poor Katie Couric.REDMOND: And also it was partially the fault of her George Bush-hating aide.ELVIS: WHO WILL SAVE KATIE COURIC FROM TEH LOW SELF-ESTEEMINGS?!?!REDMOND: Who I'm led to believe was some sort of liberal media operative because this whole fucking section was red meat to the FOX News crowd.ELVIS: Because consarn it, George Bush is a heckuva swell guy!REDMOND: According to Sarah Palin, 90% of the media is liberal.ELVIS: Yeah, you saw that? 90%REDMOND: Oh I saw. And highlighted. Then "WHAT THE FUCK?"-ed.ELVIS: As did I.REDMOND: I really want to see this unedited Palin interview that supposedly exists.ELVIS: But she has the statistics. You saw the citation in the copious endnotes, right? Oh, wait...REDMOND: You know the one where Sarah Palin embraces abortion doctors while still high-fiving Jesus.ELVIS: Yeah, someone get me MORE tape of the Couric interview. Because save some Clever Liberal Media Washington/New York Jew Conspiracy Democrat Editors, Palin's Couric throw-down was William F Buckley kicking Stephen Douglass in the balls. POW!REDMOND: Shit, speaking of abortion, did she not just call Barack Obama a baby-killer in this section? Let me get the quote. It also caused the WTF-ing.ELVIS: She did. Obama believes with all his heart that botched abortion babies should be put in a paper shredder. But that's actually in the Democrat Party Platform, so she's got us there, Red. No arguing the facts.REDMOND: Pg. 278.
"Barack Obama, who opposed laws that would protect babies born alive after botched abortions."
What the hell does that even mean?!ELVIS: That means she's right and we're wrong. No botched abortions, no botched abortion babies. Done and done.REDMOND: If babies survive an abortion, Barack Obama shows up with a 666 T-shirt and finishes the job?ELVIS: Chokes those bitches with a shoelace. Made out of Satan Dick.REDMOND: "Hmm, a baby defying the odds and surviving an abortion? Not on Obama's watch! Where's my deep fryer?"ELVIS: Couric has such low self-esteem, so she had to hammer Palin with the abortion questions. Because of the self-esteem. Of which she has none.REDMOND: That's literally a whole new level of crazy that of course Sarah Palin resides in. Who else?ELVIS: Um. Every evangelical alive today?REDMOND: HIYO!ELVIS: But you're right: This section of Chapter 4 is just a ball-stomping paean to Teh Teabaggery.REDMOND: With a Joe Lieberman cameo. So I'm predicting the Palin/Lieberman ticket now.ELVIS: Joe "The Enormous Jew" Lieberman, who cheers her up with a bunch of God Talk. Which I found cognitively dissonant. Sarah The Rapture-Ready Freddy finding solace in the prayers of a Jew, who will be the first to be devoured by the multi-cranial dragon-lion Jesus rides into town on Teh Judgmental Day?REDMOND: Don't worry. I'm sure Andrew Sullivan will find out Lieberman wasn't even there, it was just an old mop.ELVIS: HAHAHAHA! Sully loves her lies. His blog is now 89% Palin Lie List.REDMOND: The entire book is an entire lie. What did they get on her today?ELVIS: That fucking quote by an Indian that she attributed to some coach. POW!REDMOND: Oh, right, the Bristol Bay salmon fishery her parents supposedly started. Except, wait, it was founded in the 1800s.ELVIS: Also, I may be breaking real news here: That Plato quote she zinged in?REDMOND: And, yes, the Indian quote from a far left environmental book. Whoops.ELVIS: I did a search of The Entire Everything Plato Ever Fucking Said Book, and OOPS! No quote like that.REDMOND: I'm sorry, that was Todd parents up there. But you get my point. (Read: Bullshit.)ELVIS: Philo of Alexandria said it, apparently. Not The Platoes. So if I get within shitting distance of Palin I'm screaming, "FROM EXACTLY WHICH PLATONIC TEXT DID YOU CULL THAT QUOTE YOU ATTRIBUTED TO PLATO, YOU DINK!?"REDMOND: Zondervan: As long as you're a radical Christian attempting to get the nuke codes, we'll fucking publish your shit no questions asked. I'm pretty sure that's the mission statement. Or "Jesus didn't need a fact-checker." Either one.ELVIS: I think we should co-write a Christian Book and sell that shit to Zondervan, only if you read it backwards it automatically converts you to Satanism. Or Unitarianism. We could make a fortune AND punk the entire Christian Book Market, HUZZAH!REDMOND: HA! I've honestly thought about doing that. But just in case they're reading this now, I've found Jesus. Just now.ELVIS: Me too. He was in my guest bathroom. I DID find Jesus, when I was 18. Did I ever tell you that? I was literally Teh Born-Agains. Lasted about 20 minutes.REDMOND: HA. Beat you. From about 17-20. Until the college learnings started kicking in.ELVIS: But seriously, I was reprogrammed at a Campus Crusade Jesus Camp. Then college deprogrammed me again, POW! Also, beer.REDMOND: Coincidentally, I grew up in an Assembly of God. Just like Sarah Palin. So I say this with full empirical authority: BITCH IS CRAZY.ELVIS: I went to a snake-handling church once. I hope Teh God finds that as hysterical as I do.REDMOND: I went to a snake-handling bar onc- you know what? Nevermind.ELVIS: ZING! You said "onc". Isn't that one of the creatures in The Lord of Teh Ringses? Elves, Dwarves and Oncs?REDMOND: I dunno, I was too busy touching vaginas in my youth. ZING! I kid, I had a Star Wars action figure collection that would cause any prostitute to refuse me service.ELVIS: Yeah, mine all have No Firefly Clauses. I can't watch Firefly with my hookers.That's just wrong.REDMOND: "Is that Jabba Guard Disguise Lando? I'm outta here."ELVIS: ONLY guys that watch Firefly NEED hookers, don't they GET THAT!?REDMOND: I dunno how we're gonna wrap this back to Palin.ELVIS: HAHAHAHAHA! Jabba Guard Disguise Lando! POW!REDMOND: I have one mint on card. But I digress.ELVIS: Here's the segue: In GOING ROGUE, there is no index whatsoever. Therefore, you cannot go right to the back and find JABBA GUARD DISGUISE LANDO for quick reference.REDMOND: So, uh, how about when she quoted Ann Coulter? That has nothing to do with my nerdery.ELVIS: That's when I Tweeted that this book needed to come with Barf Bags. If you've got to quote Ann "My Cock Is Bigger Than My Brain" Coulter to make your point, just kill yourself. By hanging yourself with Ann Coulter's cock.REDMOND: If your only recourse is Ann Coulter, it's time to kill yourself.ELVIS: That should be the series name for our Fake Christian Book Series: ANN COULTER'S COCK. Are you even reading what I'm saying?REDMOND: I am. I just wrote Ann Coulter's Cock on my Idea Board.ELVIS: This is supposed to be interactive, goddamnit!REDMOND: Next to a doodle of Sarah Palin fighting Steve Schmidt with a lightsaber. "Tell me to go off Adkins. I'LL KILL YOU!"ELVIS: Did you notice how Sarah Palin singlehandedly saved all the nation's Down Babies? Before Sarah, being a Down Baby was a FRINGE ISSUE! FRINGE! OOOOO! Boo, America! It's a Down Baby! AIIIIEEEEEE!REDMOND: Because everyone knows liberals use Down Syndrome babies as soccer balls. Since we're too faggy to play football.ELVIS: But because a Down Baby fell out of her uterus thanks to her hatred of abortionism, the world is now safe for ... Down babies. That whole section made me sick.REDMOND: I'm taking this to mean Down babies can survive a nuclear holocaust. Because that's the only way they'll be safe under her administration.ELVIS: "Don't fear Down Babies!" Palin says. "Fear normal stuff! Like Black Peoples!"REDMOND: "Sarah, we can't blow up California.""Don't worry. The special needs babies will make it." KABOOM!ELVIS: Did you notice the Obvious Incongruity in the "Oh Noes, My E-Mail Was Hacked" section? A) It was a disaster, because we immediately had to cancel ALL our email addresses! Followed immediately by B) The girls were all getting disgusting sexual creepy horrible emails!REDMOND: You mean how she left out using personal Yahoo! email accounts to conduct state business so nothing would be on the official record. That Obvious Incongruity?ELVIS: Oh, she left that part out. That she was doing State Business via Teh Yahooes. I just thought it was curious that her poor girls were getting Teh Sexytimes Emailings after they'd shut all the accounts down due to the hackeries.REDMOND: In Sarah Palin's mind, the Yahoo! emails never happened. All she remembers is shooting a really sweet moose while snowmobiling with Moses.ELVIS: Moses is crap on the snowmachine. Utter crap. Those Hebrews know jack squat about snow.REDMOND: He's no Elijah, I'll give you that.ELVIS: Think he ever caught some tasty powder up on Mount Whatsit? Sinai?REDMOND: Doubtful. But this just reminded me about the leaky pipe debacle that Todd Palin couldn't fix for two years.ELVIS: Or is that a Muslim mountain? I can't keep all those God Mountains straight.REDMOND: Sullivan pointed it out today. The guy can fix a snowmachine in 40 below, can't find a leaky pipe for two fucking years. Also, they don't have plumbers for the governor's mansion. That would be socialism.ELVIS: Correct. No chefs for the fancy meal-makings, no plumbers for the fancy leak-fixings. Apparently Todd is even now back in Alaska, fixing a roof. Which is why they didn't spend Thanksgiving together. They had a roof problem. That $5 million of Zondervan McRupert Fitzmurdoch's money couldn't fix.REDMOND: Read: Todd Palin is curled up in a closet praying to God he doesn't have to hear his wife's voice until Christmas. She has to be insufferable to live with now. Alright, Section 7-12: SUMMATE!ELVIS: Yeah, I don't know who I'd rather Not Be more right now: President Obama or Todd Palin. TO THE SUMMATION MACHINE!REDMOND: My summation is going to be a prediction: Sarah Palin will run in 2012 and do the exact same things on her campaign she bitched about in this section. And whenever anyone brings it up, or fact checks which she hates so much, she'll play the victim card and win more evangelical votes. Calling it now.ELVIS: Takeaways from this section: The McCain Campaign was run from a secret underground volcano lair by people Sarah never met, who forced her to never speak with anyone about anything unless it was to say something cataclysmic, which would never have happened if they'd just Let Palin Be Palin. She's utterly baffled by "experts" and thinks politicians are stoopid. Which is why she's dying to be the world's most powerful politician.REDMOND: BINGO. "God, I hate politicians. Now make me President."ELVIS: POW!REDMOND: God, I hate modern medicine. Now let me perform open heart surgery on you. You get my point.ELVIS: Also: Only real Americans show up for her rallies. Obama Rally-Goers are mutant goat-hybrids. With fake jobs that contribute nothing to Teh Free Marketings.REDMOND: And he kills babies with his bare hands for sport.ELVIS: And old people love her. And she fell down while jogging and conspired with Federal agents to keep it a secret. Also: Endless sports analogies about never, ever quitting. Except she's a fucking quitter.REDMOND: Also anecdotes about never wanting to abandon supporters even though the McCain campaign wanted her to punch them all in the face. Which is ironic considering how many book-signing she's bailing on. "I love you people so much. Except not really, I'm rescheduling for tomorrow. (Man vs. Wild is on!)"ELVIS: Just ONCE I wanted her to ask herself WHY the Secret McCain Volcano Headquarters put her in the Cone of Silence. JUST ONCE!REDMOND: HA! You expected introspection from a Palin book. That's rich.ELVIS: And when Schmidt told her that Alaska only had 3 electoral votes so basically Fuck Alaska and its media? Yeah, that was the first time she'd ever heard the words "electoral votes."REDMOND: She Googled that shit on her Blackberry ten seconds later. Guarantee it. "Electoral... what in the hell?"ELVIS: "Three? Is that a lot?"REDMOND: Almost a heartbeat away from the presidency, folks.ELVIS: Which really sums up the entire Veep strategy: "Your state carries three votes. We picked you because of your vagina. Now shut up and get in the box."REDMOND: And yet again, another example of why James Dobson's erection is the most important political litmus test ever.ELVIS: And Jabba Guard Disguise Lando is the most important action figure ever. ZOW! Callback. Aaaaannnd: SCENE!REDMOND: Mint on card, bitches.ELVIS: Mint on card. PEACE!REDMOND: G'night!