Conspiracy Theory Sports Wingnuts

Conspiracy Theory

Fox News contributor and supposed psychiatrist Keith Ablow is concerned that the World Cup is a secret Obama plot to distract us from, I don’t know, the fact that Fox News employs raving idiots like himself.

At 0:52

ABLOW: “I’m suspect because — here’s the thing — why, at a time when there’s so many national issues and international issues of such prominence, I’m a little suspicious of yet another bread and circus routine. Lets roll out the marijuana, pull back the laws, and get people even more crazy about yet another entertainment event.

This is like a way to distract people. This is like Rome. I can see why Obama would love the World Cup. [...]

I think it’s interesting that, at a time when there’s so much to pay attention to of such great import, that people are playing games.”

Fortunately Ablow’s co-hosts are not as deranged as he is and, as one of them pointed out, the World Cup is planned years in advance.

Of course, as we all know, the White House has a time machine that was used to plant the president’s birth in a Hawaiian newspaper over 50 years ago and, more recently, was used to delete Lois Lerner’s email. Why couldn’t the same time machine be used to ensure that the World Cup would take place at this very moment to distract us from… something.

Keith Ablow’s delusion is well-documented. Earlier this month he claimed that President Obama is a terrorist sympathizer, saying that he “doesn’t affiliate with patriotism” and “wants out of America.”

Indeed, if The Terrorists have access to the Obama time machine, we’re all doomed.

That’s a brilliant long-distance diagnosis by Doctor Ablow, but one must ask how he was able to yank such an insightful diagnosis so smoothly from his ass.

I, for one, have never met Keith Ablow, but as an honorary doctor of fine arts I’m willing to stake my professional reputation that he is stuck in an anal retentive stage caused by his parents shaming him during potty time. So it’s safe to assume that Doctor Ablow continues to wear a diaper and, as we speak, is using his own excrement to write out his ideas for tomorrow’s show.” -Stephen Colbert