George W. Bush

EXCLUSIVE: Bush's Second Inaugural

Kneel before Zod!

Reality Based Nation has acquired an advanced draft of Mr. Bush's Second Inaugural Address. We're honored to print it here in full. Bob Cesca, Editor.

Chief Justice Rehnquist, distinguished guests and my fellow citizens.

I want to start by saying, Karen Hughes is manning the ear piece today. That's right. I'm wired for sound. But who gives a flying shit when you've got political capital and a mandate, right? (Laugh) I can do whatever I want and my fellow Republicans will back me up. Like with that torture stuff. Hell, when that one broke loose, I thought, "Crap! Game over." But leave it to the friendlies. They're actually digging the torture – even that waterboard thing. Thanks for the back-up, El Rushbo!

Speaking of torture, the campaign was long and sleepy wasn't it? I thought my opponent had me cow-tied and horse-whatevered after those debates but along came my good buddy Osama "Stretch" bin Laden – I call him "Stretch" because he's like, what, seven feet tall? Anyway, Stretch came along and released another tape and BOOM! Four more years. Thanks, Stretch.

(Acknowledge tall, vaguely disguised middle-eastern man to the left.)

See? Bin Laden's right here with me. Political. Capital. I dare you to report that one, CBS. Go ahead. I dare you. What's the matter? Nothing to say now? (Pretend to cough the word: "asshats".)

It's a great day for democracy. I feel good. You feel good. In fact, you have no choice but to feel good because it's my job to tell America when it should feel good. Thankfully, when I have my morning brieferings, I invite my staff into the Oval Office and they tell me that everyone in the world is feeling good. Except when that Tsunami struck Indiana. Then they told me the American people felt sad. I didn't like that so I gave Rove a swift Texas chop to the throat. Now he only tells me good stuff. It's his job to tell me good stuff.So the war is going really well. At least that's what "Stumpy", "Peg-Leg", and "Gimpy" told me. They're the only three soldiers who have lost limbs in the war. That's a good thing, isn't it? Only three. Small price to pay for bringing our brand of peace to Iraq.As for small prices, that's what their benefits will cost after I cut veterans benefits in my budget. It's my job to make the hard choices. Sorry there, Stumpy. But I'm appreciative. That's why you and your buddies (remove envelope from pocket) will get these handmade coupons for "One free backrub" from the knowing hands of Colin Powell. He's quitting anyway, so he has some free time, don't you Oreo?(Acknowledge Colin Powell seated somewhere far away.)After he's gone, we get to blame stuff on him, too. That's good news.As we enter into another four years together, I'd like to give everyone a hint about who's going to screw things up. Ready for the hint? Here it is: "Not me." It's the job of the president to deflect criticism. For example, after I'm done monkeying with Social Security, and there's a massive economic collapse, I'll just blame everything on my domestic policy advisors for not giving me the right numbers. Especially "Four Eyes", "Geek", and "Stretch 2".Heads up, boys. Because when we pay the right-wing pundits to rip you some new cornholes, you'll wish you had given me the correct trust fund projections before you went and screwed everything up for America. See how I did that? America thinks you're guilty, I'm innocent, and nothing's been done yet. You can accomplish anything when you have a White House Office of Propaganda.Speaking of which, to all the pundits in attendance today, blank checks have been left under your chairs. I like to call those checks "Best Speech Ever Vouchers". One exception: Ann Coulter. From this day forward, we're going to pay her with cupcakes and methadone. It's my job to tell Ann when she's starting to look like the crippled sister from Pet Sematary.So here's the clip for your shows. Roll tape. Ready?(Work up crocodile tears)The tragic events of September the Eleventh.And cut.This day is all about celebrating freedom. God's precious, beautiful gift of freedom.Some years ago, a day or so after I stopped drinking, the invisible detox spiders on my face were especially itchy. So for the first time in my life, I prayed to God to make the spiders go away. God told me he'd make the spiders go away if I'd bring his gift of freedom to the world.So I agreed to spread freedom in the name of the Lord. Freedom to marginalize non-Christians; freedom to execute retardeds; freedom to restrict the rights of the gays; freedom to bomb our enemies into the stone ages; freedom to torture and abuse prisoners; freedom to leave generations of debt to our children; freedom to ruin acres of treasured forest; and unprecedented freedom to my industrial contributors to pollute the shit out of the air, land, and water. Nothing will stop me from spreading freedom.Nothing.And if there's a threat to freedom, I'll label it a "moral crisis" and pick up more freedom to do whatever the hell I want with no fear of accountibility or blame.May God bless me and my friends. And may God bless the the parts of the United States of America that support me.(Shake hands with naked Hannity under the podium.)