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Faith & Freedom Coalition Brings Out The Stars

What a week for real Conservatives. Ralph Reed’s non-profit organization, The Faith & Freedom Coalition, dispatched its fastest ravens to the ideological nether regions of the American kingdom, and got back a lot of half-eaten birds– that’s RSVP for Wingnuttia.

In an event that looks an awful like any other Conservative event, The Faith & Freedom Coalition is different because they invite both kinds of Christians– Country and Western!

Ever since its immaculate tax-exempt conception in 2009, it’s been one same old bigoted song and dance after another. But this year is different because real Conservatives have a lot to prove having been informed that anti-gay zealotry is not going over so well with the kids these days, and while there are still a lot of hearts and minds to manipulate, these real Americans needed a place to try out their new-look religious dog whistles while trying to muzzle the old racist ones. A kinder, gentler appeal to our worst instincts.

Did not go well.

Senator Rand Paul, Lord and Savior of all-things Constitutional, or, The Conduit, stepped into the spotlight to warn of “Liberal-elites” coming for our theocracy, and offered up his solution to this persecution by going on the offensive against the Muslim world– while reassuring pocket Constitution lovers at home that freedom of speech, religion, and the promotion thereof is a scared value only to be determined by real Americans, like Rand Paul:

It saddens me to see these countries that are supposedly our allies that they continue to persecute Christians. It angers me to see my tax dollars supporting regimes that put Christians to death for blasphemy against Islam, countries that put to death Muslims who convert to Christianity and countries who imprison anyone who marries outside their religion, I say no more money to countries that are doing that to Christians. There is a war on Christianity, not just from liberal elites here at home, but worldwide. And your government, or more correctly, you are having to pay for it. You are being taxed to send money to countries that are not only intolerant of Christians but openly hostile[...]

In Egypt, in Pakistan, they burn our flag—I say not one penny more to countries that are burning the American flag.

Rand Paul is saddened, angered, and obviously a little confused. He’s an emotional wreck, people! and probably suffering from an undiagnosed brain injury. But he’s here to tell you all that he’s bomb-shelter-prepared to de-fund America if he has to. Not one penny more to countries that are burning the American flag! Because Freedom!

Then there was Senator Marco Rubio, who is still touring the country with his ventriloquist water bottle act trying really hard to disarm his nervous clientele by turning his unquenchable thirst for theocracy into a psychotic Carrot Top prop.

But oh, Sarah. Sarah Palin, you always never fail us. Some tough acts to follow, too.

Speaking to the forum, the former almost Vice President of The Free World snickered and snarked her way back into America’s hearts and minds. She sees your GOP outreach to women and minorities and raises you a word salad buffet of xenophobia:

Palin on Syria:

“Militarily, where is our commander in chief? We’re talking now more new interventions. I say until we know what we’re doing, until we have a commander in chief who knows what he’s doing, well, let these radical Islamic countries who aren’t even respecting basic human rights, where both sides are slaughtering each other as they scream over an arbitrary red line, ‘Allah Akbar,’ I say until we have someone who knows what they’re doing, I say let Allah sort it out.”

Palin on Jeb Bush and Immigration reform:

“I think it’s kind of dangerous territory, territory to want to debate this whole one race’s fertility rate over another, and I say this from someone who’s kind of fertile herself,” Palin said. “I don’t think that’s where we want to go in deciding how will we incentivize the hardworking responsible families who want to live in the light, follow the law, become Americans, versus those whose very first act on our soil is to break the law? There are different ways that we can debate this.”

Translation: I am fertile and willing to populate the entire country if I have to to protect the sacred institution of white supremacy.

She went on to state that it “feels so Orweillian around here, you know, ’1984,’” in reference to manufactured scandals and wished aloud to put the country on “Ted Cruz-control,” evidently because President Obama-control would be tyranny and not as catchy as authoritarian slogans go.

America is in good hands. What we really need now is some stay-at-home vote-depressing dissent on the left to really drive this crazy baby through the White House gates toward freedom and liberty and off to purity-glory. It’s the only way you O-Bots will learn.