Conspiracy Theory

Hundreds of Volunteer LARPing Idiots Will Monitor the Military Takeover

Written by SK Ashby

Operation Jade Helm and the secret, non-existent plot to usurp control of Texas by tunneling under local Wal-Marts is almost upon us.

The Houston Chronicle reports that hundreds of volunteers have formed a counter operation that will closely monitor military personnel as they participate in training exercises. Just in case they, you know, try something.

"Support the troops" was clearly just a catchphrase.

Eric Johnston, a 51-year-old retired firefighter and sheriff's deputy who lives in Kerrville, is a surveillance team leader in Texas. He'll coordinate three groups of volunteers, about 20 folks in total, who hope to monitor the SEALs, Green Berets and Air Force Special Ops in Bastrop, Big Spring and Junction when Jade Helm kicks off on July 15. With media prohibited at the drills, the volunteers could be a main source of information for the highly-anticipated seven-state exercise. [...]

"If a team member sees two Humvees full of soldiers driving through town, they're going to follow them," Johnston said. "And they're going to radio back their ultimate location."

"Eagle Eye this is Patriot One, we have located the target. Target is stopping for cheeseburgers, over."

I don't know any other way to say this other than to say these people are fucking absurd.

And they're not just absurd; they're potentially dangerous. It only takes one heavily armed, unhinged paranoiac, fueled by equally unhinged rhetoric and fearmongering, to create a disaster. Texas is, after all, a state where police stations have come under attack by right wing lunatics twice in the last year. Most recently, a man attacked the Dallas police headquarters with an armored van that featured gun-ports for firing.

Rather than Texans keeping an eye over their shoulder, I'd recommend military personnel keep an eye over their shoulder. The self-styled patriots of Texas don't trust you.

It's rather difficult to be eloquent at a time like this because my natural reaction is to blurt out a series of barely audible curses and noises at these people. If you sat next to me that's what you'd be hearing.