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I Have A Dream That All Furniture Will Be Discounted!

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, admission to all 401 national parks will be free tomorrow, but if discovering the timeless beauty of the outdoors isn’t your thing, you can always count on store sales and promotions to set just the right tone for this day of celebration and reflection.

For instance, Banana Republic is offering 40% off your entire purchase using a promo code.

There’s a sale at Penney’s! 20% off site wide and an extra 25% off clearance with coupon!

Well, what about Bloomingdales, you ask? Up to, up to 75% off your online purchases, plus an additional 15% using coupon code!

They’re giving away the dream, here, people! You’re practically robbing them of their dream with discounted prices like these!

And just in case you thought you’d starve while taking advantage of all these Crazy Eddie sales, Burger King– or, Martin Luther Burger King-- is offering a free small coffee with purchase– no free rides here, dreamers.

All these dignified sales and giveaways prompted some criticisms from the rabble, sure, but they’ve probably never seen savings like this:


Have you tried getting a date in this economy? Up to 40% off! They’re practically giving away the intimate connections at these prices!

I know what you’re thinking. These sales are great, but where can I get a gun? Well, you’re in luck because the Multnomah County Republican Party in Oregon just so happens to be selling raffle tickets for a brand new, never-been-used in a mass shooting, AR-15(or a handgun by the winner’s choice). That’s ‘pro-choice’ for Republicans.

Portland, OR January 13, 2014:  Multnomah Country Republicans recognize the incredible time of year we are in. In successive months to start the year, we celebrate the legacy of two great Republicans who demonstrated leadership and courage that all of us still lean on today: Martin Luther King, Jr and Abraham Lincoln. In celebrating these two men, and the denial of the rights they fought so hard against, the Multnomah County Republican Party announces that we have started our third raffle for an AR-15 rifle (or handgun of the winner’s choice). The drawing will be held at our Lincoln Day Dinner on February 15th, 2014. Tickets are once again $10 apiece, or 12 for $100, and there is a hard cap of 500 tickets in the raffle.

The Lincoln Day Dinner, at which the drawing will be held, promises to be a special event. Another great Conservative, Rafael Cruz, will be the keynote speaker, speaking of his inspirational escape from tyranny and embracing the American Dream.

And if that’s not enough, some enterprising conservative groups are proposing a whole new national holiday to commemorate our advances and progress that Dr. King would surely be proud of, as a conservative Republican, and all.

So don’t walk, run! to your nearest sale and tell them you have a dream and a promo code.