Sarah Palin The Daily Banter

I Watched Sarah Palin’s CPAC Speech So You Don’t Have To

Sarah Palin was the closing night speaker at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), and her speech was just as awful as we’ve come to expect: an incoherent syllabus of bullet points, bumper stickers and word salads. It was an epic clown show — a self-satirical illustration of the dumbing down of American politics. It was Sarah Palin’s Greatest Hits, rolled out for a crowd desperate to leap to its feet, starbursts shooting from their googly eyes upon the mention of classic Palinisms like “Momma Grizzly” and “Hopey Changey.”

Naturally throughout, she awkwardly mis-emphasized various phrases, while ignoring punctuation, each of which rendered the already juvenile, fragmented address even more difficult to comprehend on a basic makey-sensy kind of way. You’d think by now she’d have hired a professional speech adviser to instruct her on how to, you know, read. If Palin were capable of human self-awareness, she would’ve suffered from Broadcast News-level flop sweats within the first two minutes, but because the CPAC audience was composed of mindless suckers for strings of random thoughts from a professional troll, they gobbled it up moose meat.

So as a public service, I watched Palin’s address so you don’t have to.

1) First of all, Teleprompters!


2) Not so subtle racism.

Palin observed that “across the river,” meaning at the White House, young people are referred to as “Obamacare suckas.” And yes, she performed her interpretation of an urban, African-American voice on “suckas.”

3) Sleepy young people!


4) “No you can’t make a phone call without Michelle Obama knowin’ this is the third time this week you’ve ordered Pizza Hut delivery.”

Huh? During a rant about the president’s “Yes We Can” slogan (2008 called and…), she seemed to suggest that the First Lady is perhaps using the National Security Agency to make sure we don’t order pizza. But see, there’s nothing even remotely like that going on — not even as the basis for a joke. A basic Google search shows that, yes, Mrs. Obama is actually a fan of pizza.

5) “There is no such thing as a free lunch.”

Except for Palin who once admitted, “We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada.” Whoops. Also, due to Todd Palin’s eskimo ancestry, Tripp Palin received health insurance via the Indian Health Services. Whoops, again.

6) “There’s no free phone.”

She’s right. There isn’t. The Obamaphone myth was debunked long ago. In fact, the actual program, which has nothing to do with either the 2008 or 2012 Obama campaigns, was partly due to actions by Palin’s hero, Ronald Reagan who authorized what was known as the “Lifeline” program.

7) “Liberty needs a Congress on Cruz control.”

She what she did there? Clever! I’m surprised she didn’t add, “We should give the Dems Rafae-Hell in 2016! Get it? Rafae-Hell? Which sounds like Rafael, his first name? YAAAAY!”… READ MORE