The Daily Banter

Meet the Conservative “Avengers” Speaking at CPAC This Week

Written by Bob Cesca

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) began in earnest on Wednesday, so get ready for the usual conga-line of YouTube videos featuring various guest speakers saying obnoxious things. It's an annual tradition: members of Congress as well as characters from the conservative entertainment complex gather together to troll both liberals and Normals with their special brand of nearsighted bumper sticker sloganeering and thinly-disguised grifting.

Meanwhile, CPAC premiered a special promotional desktop wallpaper for the event (building a bridge to Windows 95?) featuring all of its top-shelf guest speakers. But it's no ordinary poster. It's obviously designed to look like a one-sheet for Marvel's The Avengers.


Funny. I don't care how you package this rogues gallery, it's not going to make them look cool or hip to young people. It's difficult to imagine Millennials lining up to hear Mark Levin shriek into a microphone about how Obama is the Real Racist, or to hear Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) talk about her latest Truther conspiracy theory.

Of course, this poster raises an important question: what exactly are the superpowers for each of these conservative CPAC Avengers?

Ben Carson's Superpower: The Mysterious Doctor Token. Carson can employ his force-field powers to shield far-right allies against accusations of racism, especially when he materializes on conservative talk radio shows as the host's "black friend." If you're a conservative who's accused of saying something racist, just invoke the catchphrase: "What about Doctor Ben Carson? He's black." And WHOOSH! ZAP! The Doctor will appear to valiantly smite every social justice warrior in your Twitter feed.

John Bolton's Superpower: The Mustache Rider. Don't make John Bolton angry by praising the virtues of the United Nations -- you wouldn't like him when he's angry about the United Nations. When outraged, Bolton's mustache quadruples in size, then flies off on a rampage, smashing anything resembling the New World Order.

Laura Ingraham's Superpower: The Acid Queen. After insisting that man-made climate change is a hoax, an errant ultraviolet beam from Earth's yellow Sun broke through the thick layer of atmospheric CO2 and enveloped Ingraham, mutating her bile ducts and allowing her spit massive streams of acidic spooge, capable of melting both the skin and the IQ of her enemies.

Rick Santorum's Superpower...CONTINUE READING

ht Virginia Reckless Driving Lawyer Cassi Baumgardner