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Rand Paul and Republicans Are Winning Like Charlie Sheen

Speaking at the Liberty Political Action Conference event this past Thursday, an event sponsored by his father’s non-profit, Campaign For Liberty, an event where everyone uses the world “liberty” twice in every sentence, the freshman senator from Kentucky put the state of today’s Republican party into much needed perspective:

Does anybody remember Charlie Sheen when he was kind of going crazy…And he was going around, jumping around saying ‘Winning, winning, we’re winning,’” Paul said.  ”Well I kind of feel like that, we are winning. And I’m not on any drugs.”

Winning! And he’s not even on any drugs! Although we won’t know for sure until he has to pee in a cup for food, we should continue to believe him out of respect for his obvious mental disability.

This is an odd bit of messaging because, just yesterday, speaking to reporters at a gathering of Michigan Republicans, Sen. Rand Paul conceded that, “we probably can’t defeat, or get rid of Obamacare,” but said that he “will continue to lead the fight until we win.” Just how he intended to win, Paul said, winningly, “he will not vote for any CR that funds Obamacare and if there is one penny for Obamacare I will vote no.”

See that? He’s still winning and hopeful they can kill it by a thousand jailhouse-style revenge shivs to the kidneys, but they’ve got their work cut out for them. Consider Rand Paul their filed-down toothbrush in the junk drawer/toilet of the padded cell that is contemporary conservatism.

On Thursday, Rand Paul said that to win big and dominate the government, Republicans would basically have to continue to dupe liberals into believing they are the champions of privacy.

If we want a transformational election where Republicans become the dominate party…we could become the party that doesn’t believe in big government surveillance,” he said.

Also, as a fake-champion of overturning mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, Sen. Paul said,

I think this is an issue that we should take to communities that haven’t been considering us,” he said. “Think about it, who in our system, who in our society has been treated unfairly by justice? More than anybody else, African Americans.”

That’s adorable. He’s got a cause he can pretend to care about to reach out to the black community. That’d sound more noble and sincere, except for the fact that Eric Holder, whom Rand Paul and the entire Republican party has quite literally taken up arms against, has already been proactive in making great strides to refocus our resources away from prosecuting drug offenders. Because of President Obama signing the Fair Sentencing Act into law, this country no longer prosecutes crack cocaine at 100-1 weight ratio to powder cocaine. And, for you potheads out there, you’ve never seen so many marijuana dispensaries and so much legal weed being produced in America in your entire lives.

But who better than a manchild from the South, who inherited his father’s campaign, to lecture the first African American Attorney General appointed by the first African American president, whom Rand Paul is trying to destroy, about the toll the War On Drugs has taken on the black community?

So, they’ve been beaten by Obamacare. And, seemingly unbeknownst to Senator Charlie Sheen, they’ve been seriously outplayed in downsizing the War On Drugs by Eric Holder and the president.

Yep. All that’s left to do now is to shut down the government to prevent the American people from accessing basic food, healthcare, abortion, and voting.