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Republicans To Get ‘More Aggressive’ With Women


As Republican party leaders struggle to overcome news that a recent poll shows them all but being placed in a jar for scientific study among 63% of women, they’re looking to fill up their lady-binders with a sleeker, more sensitive-to-the-touch model of vaginal probing outreach, or “in-reach.”

Realizing their shortcomings on actual policy, the GOP is attempting to do what no Republican man has done before: Communicate with women.

I know, I know. Not every Alpha man can walk right up to one of these ball-breakers-in-training at the school dance and just expect her to hand over her vagina and a notarized prenuptial accord, so it’s going to take a little more coaxing through what will literally be hours of field study, I’m sure, for this mysterious creature, better known in conservative circles by its scientific name as Sluttius Correctus– to finally show its hereditary weakness for the power of the male Republican persuasion.

Sure, it’s not going to be easy, none of the best stolen elections are, but with a little help from the 19 women out of 232 House Republicans, the burden is going to fall to the party’s champions of women. Pro-woman women. Actual women, like, Congressman Diane Black, who was recently awarded the key to the men’s bathroom in the House of “Representatives.” Glass ceilings.

Or Congressman Marsha Blackburn– who has tried to be a bridge for Republican men and easy women with low self-worth by seeing to it that some women are protected by domestic violence, at least some of the time. Talking about the party’s newest outlook, Congressman Blackburn recently told CNN, ”There is an aggressiveness that has not been in there forever. We’ve never been this aggressive and I’m glad and I think it’s time. We all should be a bit more aware in how we choose our words.”

It’s about time the Republican party got more aggressive with women! They’ve been way too demure in this national courtship. And while Speaker Boehner is counseling more ‘sensitivity’ in navigating the delicate emotions of the baby-making race, he’s probably just going to break out old reliable anytime he gets cornered. That a boy. See? He’s still got it!

And House Majority Leader Eric Cantor seems to be picking up on all the signals nicely, projecting onto his daughter, who just so happens to be female, all of his fears and uncertainty of the future, and he’s hoping that this focus-grouped pick-up line will work better than a cute puppy and your chick-magnet nephew at the beach.

“She’s off now thinking about her next step in life, what kind of career or job opportunities are available for her,” he said. “Well, I don’t believe that racking up trillions of dollars of additional deficit and debt are a good thing for her because, ultimately, what that does is it mortgages her future.”

Eric Cantor’s daughter could not be reached for her own thoughts on the subject.

But former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell brings it all home today, telling CNN‘s Candy Crowley that if you’re a smart woman who knows your place and what is best for you, you’ll learn to love what Republican men really care about.

“Improving communication skills to a variety of groups is always important,” Blackwell agreed. “At the end of the day, Republicans don’t have a problem working and talking with women. We control 30 governorships, we control 26 state houses and senates chambers. You know, we, in fact, know how to speak to women on their policy issues.”

“As long as it’s about improving the art of communication and not abandoning policy, I would think it’s a pretty smart move.”

Women are attracted to sensitivity, power and authority. And if this doesn’t work, it’s only because the roofies haven’t quite kicked in.

Keep your eye on the pretty, shiny science stuff, women of America. You are now getting sleepier, and sleepier…