I found myself debating torture with some more conservative family members yesterday. I say again, it's a terrible day when Americans are debating whether our government should use waterboarding as a policy. But if you find yourself having this debate, the following lines worked nicely.
__We spend half-a-trillion dollars a year on the American military, and upwards of $50 billion on intelligence. If our safety comes down to a jug of water, a rag and a wooden plank, I want my money back. (You can also say "goddamn money back" if the company is cool with the language.)
__Waterboarding has been used by the Gestapo, Burma, the North Vietnamese, and the Spanish Inquisition. Do you really want the United States of America added to that list?
Other forms of painfully severe holiday torture like the TBS A Christmas Story marathon -- I can't help you with that.